. words can't describe it .

what a crazy week it has been.  i wanted to get it all in words so we can remember this time.  it's been a roller coaster the past few weeks.  we found out last week that we were pregnant.  my heart wanted so badly to be excited, but i just couldn't be.  that fear was still there.  fear that we'd miscarry again.  i wanted to save myself from one more up in the roller coaster.  it was a tough week.  i had my hcg levels tested twice and, although they were low, they increased, which is a good sign.  according to my timeline of events past, i had to be 7 weeks, but my levels were saying i was only 3. 

this past monday, i had an appointment with my doctor.  i was still pregnant.  going in for an ultrasound and my heart was racing the entire morning.  my appointment wasn't until 2:00, so i had plenty of time to worry.  the ultrasound confirmed.  there was no baby.  there was a sac, which meant i was pregnant.  was.  the sac was empty.  my heart sank.  but i had prepared myself.  i was expecting to not be pregnant.  that's what happens when you've gone through this before.  the ultrasound tech took several pictures and brought the doctor in, who then performed another ultrasound to see for himself.

he confirmed.  tubal pregnancy.  he was a little confused because of the sac that was in the uterus.  there was also a mass in the tube signifying that there was indeed a tubal pregnancy, which had to be taken care of before the tube would rupture. 

tuesday morning, i headed to the hospital for methotrexate injections that would end the pregnancy and work to clean everything out.  the injections weren't really that painful.  two in my hips.  and then i was done.  i had a follow-up appointment scheduled for another ultrasound and more hcg levels to be checked to make sure they were dropping properly. 

wednesday afternoon i was in pain.  then the pain was gone.  all day thursday i rested.  i took it was easy as i could having 6 children in my house.  i felt great.  then that evening, we decided to go out.  we were going to go to petsmart, out to eat, then to get the girls hair cut.  as soon as we got 2 minutes down the road, i started hurting.  badly.  our plans immediately changed.  i decided to go home and lay down on the couch because laying down helped with the pain the day before.  i do believe that i also read somewhere that abdominal pain was a side affect of the methotrexate injections as well, so i chalked it up to that and wanted to move on.  but in the back of my head, i kept worrying that the tube ruptured and that i was bleeding internally.  so we made a decision to go to the ER thursday at about 8:00pm. 

we went to college station medical center, which is where my doctor is and where i delivered both girls.  i just knew that they'd be able to call my doctor and he'd be right in to check on me.  the pain started to subside a little when we got there and i really thought i made a bad decision, that i was wasting time and money by being there.  they wheeled me back for an ultrasound to see what was going on, which revealed that sac in my uterus again, but also a tubal pregnancy and lots of blood.  i saw several nurses, the ultrasound tech, a physician assistant and several other people who i have no clue who they were.  people immediately started coming in preparing me for surgery.  i had not yet evne seen a doctor, but it was an emergency.  within 20 minutes, i was on a stretcher, headed to the operating room.  it was surreal.  an experience i never want to go through again.  i didn't even get to tell david goodbye as they wheeled me right on out. 

the doctor, who was on call for my regular obgyn, explained that it would be a simple procedure, maybe 45 minutes and that i'd probably be home by 1am sleeping in my own bed.  i don't remember anything after that, but waking up in a postpartum room at 2:00am after surgery was finally over.  the surgery took two hours.  as my doctor later explained ... "it looked like you had a gunshot wound to your abdomen, there was so much blood."  he had to perform a D&C first to clean things out before he could even see the tube.  my right fillopian tube was about 10 times its normal size and had ruptured, leaving no room for repair.  he had to remove it. 

the conclusion was that it was initially a twin pregnancy.  twins?!?!  i can hardly even imagine, but it makes my heart break twice as much.  he said it was very rare.  extremely rare were his exact words, actually.  "1 in 100,000 tubal pregnancies" he said, where one twin made it to the uterus and the other got lodged for some unknown reason in the tube. 

so the surgery was laproscopic.  i have 3 incisions.  but i'm feeling good.  i can't lift more than 10lbs, drive, or do housework for two weeks.  today is day 2 and i'm already on edge.  and i miss my girls.  my parents came friday morning and left for their house saturday morning with my two babies.  it would be way too hard for me to keep up with them this week, so it was the best option, but i miss them!!!  i know my body needs rest.  i know i need to relax and heal.  but i miss them.  so much.  i didn't really think having what would count now as 3 miscarriages in the last 3 months would affect me like it has.  i didn't think i would be as sad as i am today, but i think it's the combination of emotions and hormones.  it's so hard to describe.

so.  my heart is heavy.  i still haven't really processed it all.  i think i'm still stuck on "twins".  i'm just so very thankful to be alive and healthy.  i am so very thankful for the friends who helped out.  i will forever be thankful for them.  we've had so many meals delivered.  gifts brought.  words cannot express how thankful we are for all of the prayers and support.  and as my words get mumbled and jumbled, i want to thank you.  please continue to pray for our family!  i'm so thankful for the two healthy, beautiful children God has already provided us with.  and for our future, only He knows.