. 365/365 .

amazingly it has been 365 days since i started project365 on here.  this year, thankfully, has flown by.  it wasn't the best year for me and i'm so ready to see what 2012 has in store.  of course we had some wonderful times that were such blessings for me and my family, but somehow the bad outweighs the good in my mind, most likely because the bad all happened at the end of the year.  this new year's eve we spent going to laundromats to drop quarters in the machines for people who would be coming in to do their laundry.  it's one of my random acts of kindness that i'm doing for my birthday.  so the last picture of project 365 ...

yep.  a stack of quarters.  i would pay a million dollars for this next year to be the best year ever.  and i'm hoping that even the small amount of quarters that we gave out tonight would help just one person in the biggest way.  you never know.

. 364/365 .

it's been a lazy day here.  my mister has been out all afternoon dove hunting for the first time ever.  i just received word that he's on his way home, which is a good sign.  mainly a sign that he's alive.  the girls and i haven't done anything and mommy needed some fresh air, so 4-wheelers were the best option for entertainment.  they love these things and i'm so very glad santa brought them this year.

. update on me .

so, today marks the end of 2 weeks since my surgery.  yesterday was the first day that i actually felt normal, physically.  up until yesterday i really wondered how long i'd be feeling like i was.  it wasn't horrible, but pretty uncomfortable.  i had rested well though, like i was supposed to, but the soreness and exhaustion was there.  one day, while at my parents house, i took a morning nap and an afternoon nap and was still in bed by 9:00 that night.  i think the physical, but also the mental just wears me out. 

today, however, i feel great.  a few pains here and there, but i'm still taking it easy.  and i'm certainly still thankful for your concerns and your prayers.

. new year goals .

sunday was christmas.  by monday, everyone starts thinking of their new years resolutions.  we all make them.  sometimes we stick with them.  sometimes we don't.  i want my goals for 2012 to be different this year.  2011 wasn't much of a fun year for me.  i want to make 2012 amazing and like no other year before it.  i want them to be goals instead of resolutions, for resolutions always go down the pooper a week into the new year anway.  so, for me, i have goals. 
this year, my biggest goal is to make my focus on others.  i want to get the focus off of me.  to teach my children to think of others first.  to give.  to help.  to encourage.  to always think of others first.  always.  what better way to start this new goal than with my 30th birthday.  30 is big.  i want it to be big.  and i want to celebrate for 30 days leading up to that one day.  january 28th, that is.  so, starting december 30th, tomorrow, i will do one random act of kindness every day until january 28th.  that's 30 random acts of kindness.  you should join me. 

my family is doing this together as much as we can.  i feel like my children are so concerned with what's in it for them and when their next birthday is and when they'll get the next present.  i don't want that.  so we've been talking about helping others and doing things for others all week long.  and today, we had the perfect chance to give them a little taste of what we'll be doing. 

we went to one of the local frozen yogurt shops today as a special treat.  as we finished up, an older lady had come in, filled up her cup of yogurt, used a coupon, and went to pay with her debit card.  two times her card was denied for whatever reason.  the cashier let her take her cup of yogurt, although the lady had not yet paid.  she said she was going to get cash and would be right back.  we quietly gave the cashier the money for her yogurt and left.  the feeling was amazing.  and that was without the lady knowing what we had done.  whether or not the lady actually came back to pay, i have no idea.  and it doesn't matter.  we helped someone.  and the feeling was indescribable.  you should try it sometime. 

so, just one thing. big or small. once a day. for 30 days. that's how i'm celebrating.  and i'll blog about it here and there.  if you do a random act, share it with me.  i'd love to hear about it.

. 363/365 .

as i post this one, i'm in shock that we're at day 363 for the year 2011.  time just goes by way too fast these days.  only 2 more days until this year is over and 2012 is here.  it's just so crazy to think about!  so, here i am tonight.  another quiet night in our house.  the girls are tucked in bed, but probably playing with barbies like they do every night.  this picture is of my desk.  it has a new home now because it's previous location now houses the girls new table and chairs that that they got for christmas.  they get something new and my stuff gets booted.  so, i'm now in my living room. 

here's where i blog though.  tonight i'm having to catch up.  i'm a little behind.  life's been a little crazy, ya know?!?  and the blog always gets put on the back burner.  don't worry, i have 2012 goals for the ol' blog too.  and this picture also shows me a lot ...

*since i took it, i turned the lamp so the seam of the lamp shade wasn't showing.

*i remember now that i still need a knob on the little drawer.

*i certainly am eating coconut cream pie made for me by a sweet friend.  and i have a cup of hot apple cider nearby as well.  i was going cozy tonight.

*that black computer cord has got to go.  if it's in the living room where everyone can see, it has to stay clean and organized for sure.  kind of like that notebook sitting in the corner.  the mister forgot to put that up earlier.  tisk tisk.

so.  there you have it.  where the blog magic happens.  it is what it is.

. 362/365 .

i love seeing the joy in my girls' eyes at christmas.  it really makes me sit back and think about life.  i wish i was able to see the little things as things of pure joy and happiness.

. 361/365 .

apparently, izzy wanted to drive too.

. 5 year old pictures .

the last one is my favorite!  we were late getting her 5 year old pictures done, but we got 'em!  i was just a few days late, so i didn't slack too bad.  AND, big step for me .. i let her pick out what she wanted to wear.  it helped that i bought new shoes and a new headband, but she was super excited about her outfit.  the photo shoot didn't last long and i didn't get near as many pictures as i wanted, but what i got was good.  her blue eyes sparkle and her grin without one tooth makes me smile.  she's so grown up! 

. 360/365 .

in their pajamas, boots, and jackets ... headed out on an early morning ride with no time to change clothes.  my parents live in the country and just a short ride down their road is my grandparents house.  they drove their 4-wheelers all around the land today.

. 359/365 .

santa came!  this year, the girls really wanted one of those big battery-powered jeeps for christmas, but we talked them into asking santa for their own 4-wheelers to prevent future arguments over who gets to drive.  yes, sometimes i do think ahead.  i really think they'll love these.

. 358/365 .

i can't believe it's christmas eve!  the girls choice this year was a brownie and milk for santa.

. 357/365 .

here's the note to the tooth fairy.  i think she told my sister what she wanted to say, my sister wrote it down, then karsyn copied it.  that girl cracks me up.  i'm sure you can read it, but just in case, it says ..

"dear tooth fairy.  i lost my tooth.  sorry.  love karsyn."

. well, hello kitty .

my girl is somewhat obsessed with hello kitty.  and while i don't typically promote ANY cheesy characters like that, the kitty is different.  for whatever reason, i'm ok with the hello kitty stuff.  the disney princess, dora, and spongebob stuff though is not my favorite.  does that make me weird?  i'm ok with that.  i don't buy anything with characters on it.  until the eldest became interested in the kitty.

for her birthday, she really wanted a new bike. that's the only thing on the face of the planet that she asked for.  nothing else.  nope.  just a bike.  she had a bike, but wanted a shiny new one.  i don't know where she gets her love of all things new and shiny.  but being that she's just like me in more ways than one, i caved and got her the new bike.

we racked up some serious parent points with this one.  it combined her 3 loves ... a shiny new bike, hello kitty, and purple.  plus, it had a basket and a bell.  the perfect bike for my girl.

the old bike got a new home at nana and papa's house.  usually when we go visit, we toss in the bikes so the girls can ride them between my parents house and my grandparents.  now, she has a bike here and there, which means less junk packed in the back of my car when we travel!  yeah!!



AND a hello kitty watch.  she walked around all day telling us what time it was.  she'll say "mama, it says 7.3.2" and i tell her "that means it's 7:32", then she goes and tells everyone else in the house what time it was.  we all knew minute by minute what time it was all day.  by the looks of that picture though, she should have got some hair clips or something to control that craziness.  i think it was a great birthday for her and i'm so thankful i was able to drive to my parents house to spend it with her.  being in bed after surgery wouldn't have kept me from traveling to see my girl on her big 5th birthday.  the day ended with her saying "this was the best happy birthday ever." 

. 356/365 .

this picture cracks me up.  that's my girl.  always hates having to take a picture and requires a good bribe.  so, karsyn is at my parents house while i'm at home recovering from surgery.  wouldn't you know the stinker would wait till i'm not there to lose her first tooth.  yes, i cried.  then, my sister sent me this picture and i laughed.  here's the story i go ...

she was brushing her teeth after lunch on december 20th.  her tooth was still there.  it's been loose for about a week now.  she went to lay down for rest time and to watch a movie, sat up and said "my tooth is gone!"  and it's literally gone.  nowhere to be found.  we're assuming she swallowed it and didn't realize.  so she wrote a note to the tooth fairy and got $2.00 under her pillow the next morning.  and apparently the tooth fairy only gives you a gold dollar on your first tooth. 

AND ... the tooth next to that one is loose now.  i'm determined to be there for that one.

. it's her birthday .

just to add to the emotional time i'm in, today my girl turns 5.  FIVE.  a whole hand, as she says.  she has counted down to this day for half a year now.  it's a HUGE milestone for her.  for all of us.  FIVE!

i remember that christmas like it was yesterday.  i birthed this sweet, 7lb 5oz, beautifully bald baby on the 22nd.  brought her home on christmas eve.  we missed christmas with my family that year, but it turned out to be one of the best we've ever had.  i remember the preemie sleeper my mom bought her to wear as her official "first christmas" outfit.  yes, it was necessary.  i still have that outfit.  and i still can't believe she was so small.  who knew she'd grow to be so long and lanky. 

i remember very vividly crying as i held her while being strapped to blue lights that would help her jaundice.  i remember crying because she wouldn't nurse.  i remember crying because my parents left to go back home for my family christmas although they came back the very next day.  i remember crying because my mom wasn't there that one night and my mother-in-law was.  (don't worry, i've already apologized to my mother-in-law for what i put her through during that time as well).  i remember laughing until we cried (literally) with my family, my in-laws, the BFF and her hubby on new years eve that year as we played games.  and there karsyn laid.  sleeping in her bouncer next to me.  all of those memories come flooding back year after year.  and it's so hard to believe that it's been 5 years since those memories started.  and i'm so very thankful that God has allowed the memories continue.

what an amazing girl i have.  she's so smart.  so beautiful inside and out.  she's passionate.  she's detailed.  she's a planner.  she's very similar to myself in so many ways.  she's tall.  she's skinny.  much like i was at her age as well.  she's funny.  she's comforting.  she's curious.  she's encouraging.  she's loving.  and so much more.  all of these things she has learned and all of these things she has made part of who she is in just five short years.  and that simply amazes me.

i very much cannot wait (although time can slow down very easily, please) to see what she grows up to be.  she'll start kindergarten next year.  i can't wait to see what friendships she develops.  what grades she'll make.  what projects she'll do.  what activities she'll be interested in.  what style she'll have.  all of these things i get to experience with her all because God chose me to be her mommy.

karsyn layne, i am so proud of you.  i'm so thankful to be your mommy.  you blow me away daily by the things you do and say.  you are so strong and so beautiful and i want you to always remember that.  i can't believe you are finally a whole hand!!!  i love you.
xoxo mommy

. 355/365 .

we leave tomorrow to go to my parents house for karsyn's birthday and for christmas and i just now started wrapping presents.  i've been a little busy ... or, i guess i should say, busy being not busy.  wrapping presents has been the least of my worries.  and wrapping presents is my least favorite christmas thing to do.  if i could hire someone to do it for me, i would.

. post-op update .

so, i wanted to update again, mainly so i have these words to remember later on.  i've been overwhelmed with the support from friends who have gone through similar situations in the past.  the number of people praying has been amazing.  the meals that friends have brought have been delicious.  i'm so thankful for the friends God has brought to us at this time.

last night was baby caroline's memorial service.  honestly, i dreaded it all day.  i was so very excited to be able to see my friend and to be able to hug her neck and to be there to support her, but the thought of being at a memorial for a precious baby just sent my stomach and my head into a tailspin.  i did nothing all day.  i never moved from the recliner until it was time to go get ready to leave.  the service was so beautiful.  the songs they chose were a great reminder that only God can get us through these times and that there is hope.  i sat in a fog most of the service, but cried the entire time.  it's so hard to describe how i felt, as it was one of the hardest things i've ever done.  part of me felt so selfish to be hurting for myself while at a service for a baby who was named, held, and loved by so many.  but part of me still felt that it was ok for me to still be grieving my loss.  the emotions of the whole evening are really indescribable.

this morning i had a post-op appointment with my doctor.  he did an ultrasound and we had a really good talk.  physically everthing looks great.  his exact words were "if it's going to happen, it's going to happen to you."  not only was it a twin pregnancy, but he said he had never seen a tubal pregnancy like this end with a ruptured tube.  he said my hcg levels were so low (1498) that the injections should have worked just fine.  he said he treated another woman just 6 weeks ago whose levels were in the 10,000 range and the injections worked perfectly, so for my levels to be so low or for it to be "such a small pregnancy", as he said, and still end in a ruptured tube was almost unheard of.  he also explained what all happened and showed us pictures from during the surgery.  the pictures were crazy!  he said that the tube wasn't bleeding into the uterus, it was bleeding into my abdomen, so emergency surgery was definitely necessary.  my doctor was unable to perform the surgery since he was out of town.  he did mention.  "i haven't been out of town in 2 months, and the one time i left, this would happen."  i'm so very thankful that i have such a caring doctor and that his on-call doctor was just as caring and considerate.  they speak very highly of each other, which is always comforting. 

i go back in 2 weeks to start hormone testing and testing to figure out why this happened.  and we'll go from there.  i have another week to take it easy, although the girls will be back and my rest time will be a little different.  we go to my parents house tomorrow for karsyn's birthday and then for Christmas.  once again, i'm so very thankful for such amazing people in my life.  the emotional part of this is hard.  i do struggle.  i pretend that all is fine really well, but the reality is that it's hard.  it's hard to think that i got pregnant and birthed 2 babies without a major struggle.  now, twice, with 3 babies, something has gone wrong.  that's what worries me and discourages me quickly.  BUT, as the pastor said in his message last night at caroline's service, there IS hope.  and that's what keeps me going.

. 354/365 .

my in-laws got me a new jo totes camera bag for christmas!  i LOVE it.

. 353/365 .

it's 4 days post-op and i've done nothing.  literally.  for 4 days.  so, here's another picture of our christmas tree. 

. 352/365 .

my sweet, sweet friend crystal made this for me and i cannot wait to hang it up!  i saw that printable sign on pinterest and immediately loved it.  i had it on my phone for the longest time as my welcome picture.  the frame it's on is actually aqua and matches my house perfectly.  i'm just looking for the best spot.  i want it to be seen for sure. 

. words can't describe it .

what a crazy week it has been.  i wanted to get it all in words so we can remember this time.  it's been a roller coaster the past few weeks.  we found out last week that we were pregnant.  my heart wanted so badly to be excited, but i just couldn't be.  that fear was still there.  fear that we'd miscarry again.  i wanted to save myself from one more up in the roller coaster.  it was a tough week.  i had my hcg levels tested twice and, although they were low, they increased, which is a good sign.  according to my timeline of events past, i had to be 7 weeks, but my levels were saying i was only 3. 

this past monday, i had an appointment with my doctor.  i was still pregnant.  going in for an ultrasound and my heart was racing the entire morning.  my appointment wasn't until 2:00, so i had plenty of time to worry.  the ultrasound confirmed.  there was no baby.  there was a sac, which meant i was pregnant.  was.  the sac was empty.  my heart sank.  but i had prepared myself.  i was expecting to not be pregnant.  that's what happens when you've gone through this before.  the ultrasound tech took several pictures and brought the doctor in, who then performed another ultrasound to see for himself.

he confirmed.  tubal pregnancy.  he was a little confused because of the sac that was in the uterus.  there was also a mass in the tube signifying that there was indeed a tubal pregnancy, which had to be taken care of before the tube would rupture. 

tuesday morning, i headed to the hospital for methotrexate injections that would end the pregnancy and work to clean everything out.  the injections weren't really that painful.  two in my hips.  and then i was done.  i had a follow-up appointment scheduled for another ultrasound and more hcg levels to be checked to make sure they were dropping properly. 

wednesday afternoon i was in pain.  then the pain was gone.  all day thursday i rested.  i took it was easy as i could having 6 children in my house.  i felt great.  then that evening, we decided to go out.  we were going to go to petsmart, out to eat, then to get the girls hair cut.  as soon as we got 2 minutes down the road, i started hurting.  badly.  our plans immediately changed.  i decided to go home and lay down on the couch because laying down helped with the pain the day before.  i do believe that i also read somewhere that abdominal pain was a side affect of the methotrexate injections as well, so i chalked it up to that and wanted to move on.  but in the back of my head, i kept worrying that the tube ruptured and that i was bleeding internally.  so we made a decision to go to the ER thursday at about 8:00pm. 

we went to college station medical center, which is where my doctor is and where i delivered both girls.  i just knew that they'd be able to call my doctor and he'd be right in to check on me.  the pain started to subside a little when we got there and i really thought i made a bad decision, that i was wasting time and money by being there.  they wheeled me back for an ultrasound to see what was going on, which revealed that sac in my uterus again, but also a tubal pregnancy and lots of blood.  i saw several nurses, the ultrasound tech, a physician assistant and several other people who i have no clue who they were.  people immediately started coming in preparing me for surgery.  i had not yet evne seen a doctor, but it was an emergency.  within 20 minutes, i was on a stretcher, headed to the operating room.  it was surreal.  an experience i never want to go through again.  i didn't even get to tell david goodbye as they wheeled me right on out. 

the doctor, who was on call for my regular obgyn, explained that it would be a simple procedure, maybe 45 minutes and that i'd probably be home by 1am sleeping in my own bed.  i don't remember anything after that, but waking up in a postpartum room at 2:00am after surgery was finally over.  the surgery took two hours.  as my doctor later explained ... "it looked like you had a gunshot wound to your abdomen, there was so much blood."  he had to perform a D&C first to clean things out before he could even see the tube.  my right fillopian tube was about 10 times its normal size and had ruptured, leaving no room for repair.  he had to remove it. 

the conclusion was that it was initially a twin pregnancy.  twins?!?!  i can hardly even imagine, but it makes my heart break twice as much.  he said it was very rare.  extremely rare were his exact words, actually.  "1 in 100,000 tubal pregnancies" he said, where one twin made it to the uterus and the other got lodged for some unknown reason in the tube. 

so the surgery was laproscopic.  i have 3 incisions.  but i'm feeling good.  i can't lift more than 10lbs, drive, or do housework for two weeks.  today is day 2 and i'm already on edge.  and i miss my girls.  my parents came friday morning and left for their house saturday morning with my two babies.  it would be way too hard for me to keep up with them this week, so it was the best option, but i miss them!!!  i know my body needs rest.  i know i need to relax and heal.  but i miss them.  so much.  i didn't really think having what would count now as 3 miscarriages in the last 3 months would affect me like it has.  i didn't think i would be as sad as i am today, but i think it's the combination of emotions and hormones.  it's so hard to describe.

so.  my heart is heavy.  i still haven't really processed it all.  i think i'm still stuck on "twins".  i'm just so very thankful to be alive and healthy.  i am so very thankful for the friends who helped out.  i will forever be thankful for them.  we've had so many meals delivered.  gifts brought.  words cannot express how thankful we are for all of the prayers and support.  and as my words get mumbled and jumbled, i want to thank you.  please continue to pray for our family!  i'm so thankful for the two healthy, beautiful children God has already provided us with.  and for our future, only He knows.

. 351/365 .

beautiful flowers that a friend brought after my surgery.  i have been so very blessed with the sweetest family and friends.  some of you have gone above and beyond what i imagined.  and i thank you.

. 350/365 .

i don't have a picture to post that i actually took today because i'm stuck in the hospital, but i couldn't pass up sharing this project that we did with the kids.  it was my mother-in-law's idea and was perfect!  the kids loved it.  it's a sugar cone, green icing, m&m's, marshmellows, and a gummy star.  how cute (and yummy)!

. 349/365 .

the quality of this picture is horrible, but it's a memory that i want to cherish forever.  right now, mykah wants to hold my hand all the time.  and i let her because i love it more than anything.  this particular time, we were eating dinner and we held hands while we ate.  it's the sweetest thing in the world.  it always has to be with our fingers intertwined like this. 

. 348/365 .

the new addition to my living room.  i've had this frame for a while and just had no idea where to put it.  i've also had a bare wall in my living room with no idea what to do with it.  put them together and you get a wonderfully decorated wall.  i stapled and tied a few strands of twine, added some tiny clothes pins that were already painted aqua, added some pictures and a bunting.  it's fabulous and one of my new favorite things in my house.  i want to add several black and white pictures, but this is all i could find at the time.  i'm sure the contents hanging there will change a million times anyway.

. 347/365 .

i've always wanted to have this amazing advent calendar for us to do each year.  and i want to have traditions with our girls that they want to carry on to their own families some day.  last year, we did christmsas books, which was wonderful.  not only did we get to read new books each night, but we instantly got 25 new christmas books to add to our collection. 

this year, i want to focus on the activities that we can do as a family to celebrate christmas and the birth of jesus.  i got a box of 5x7 envelopes and some scrapbook paper and made my own advent calendar.  these things can cost some good money if you buy them and i had seen several cute ones on etsy.com that i'd love to have, but didn't want to spend the money to buy.  this was super easy and i'll have these envelopes now for years to come.  each night, we open the envelope and do whatever activity i have written down in there. 

sidenote : luckily, my girls can't read yet.  this december hasn't gone by my plans so far, so i've had to improvise every single night.  hopefully we get back on track.

. 346/365 .

here's the timeline.

sunday, december 4th - two positive pregnancy tests.  we were so excited!  a little confused because of the timeline of the last few months activities (how awkward to explain on here.  keeping it real.)

monday, december 5th - called my doctor.  went to hospital to have labs done to confirm pregnancy.  my hcg level was 1098.

wednesday, december 7th - went back to hospital for more labs.  hcg level was up to 1498, which is a good sign.  they increased.  the nurse says they are kind of low.

saturday, december 10th - we went to my parents house for the weekend and told the whole family the exciting news. 

monday, december 12th (today) - i already had an appointment scheduled with my doctor.  he just went into practice on his own, so this would normally be a "new ob" appointment, but since i'm pregnant and, most likely, 7 weeks along, it's a well-check appointment for the baby.  i was nervous the entire time.  i had a bad feeling and had already prepared myself to hear the words "you've miscarried."  and "again" would soon follow in my head.  i didn't hear those words, but worse, in a way.  "it's a tubal pregnancy." 

i was in shock and confused.  i had heard of a tubal pregnancy before, but had no clue what was happening to my body.  i have to go to the hospital tomorrow for methotrexate shots to end the pregnancy and to clean everything out.  

i am sad for sure.  i keep saying that i had already prepared myself for the worst.  the worst is what i got.  and now i have to move on.  i'm praying the shots work fine and that we can move on from here.  these last 3 months have been horrible and i just want to move past it all.  it's so hard to imagine that i had 2 pretty healthy pregnancies, deliveries, and babies without any problems.  and now to have 2 that have failed is hard for me to understand.  but we move on from here. 

. 345/365 .

showing off the products of one of her early birthday presents.  i don't know what they're called, but we got her a big fat bucket of those little beads that you put on the shaped pegboards to create a design, then iron them so they melt together.  i know you know what i mean.  i remember loving to do those when i was a little girl, so i just knew she'd love them too.  and she does!

. 344/365 .

although it's not the best picture, here is our christmas tree.  complete with stockings hanging nearby.

. 343/365 .

a little more JOY filling my house.

. 342/365 .

a close up of the paper chain that we made for our tree this year out of strips of scrapbook paper and lots of hot glue.  i love it. 

. 341/365 .

my right-handed girl and my left-handed girl coloring a nativity scene.

. 340/365 .

. 339/365 .

looking around at my house and my christmas decor, christmas cards, etc. it appears that my theme for this holiday season is JOY.  and i love that.

. 338/365 .

. 337/365 .

my little chipmunk decorating a pine cone christmas tree.

. orange you glad it's friday .

here's some random orange things in my kitchen...

1. i love this cute little orange bow.  in that little creamer jar is a bunch of antique spoons. 

2.  orange and white gumballs.

3.  a reminder from a friend to keep calm.  boy do i need that these days.

4.  plug-in scentsy

5.  another orange bow tied around our crayon jar.

6.  the #20.  from our advent calendar.  20 is my favorite number.  and, no, i didn't plan for it to be orange, but it's perfect.

. 336/365 .

yet another favorite ornament of mine.

. merry christmas! .

here's our 2011 christmas card ...

may this christmas season bring you peace, joy, and hope. 

oh, and of course, LOVE.  lots and lots of love. 

. 335/365 .

happy december 1st!