. these days .

maybe it's 'cause i'm about to be the big THREE-OH?!  like i'm really an adult now?  i dunno.  but it's working me over big time.  i've been a mom now for 5 years.  i've owned a house now for 5 years as well.  but making it my home instead of my house?  being a good housewife?  feeding my children and husband healthy (and edible) meals daily?  keeping my house clean?  doing the laundry at a reasonable rate?  it's all stuff i've struggled with for all of those 5 years.  it's stuff that i do (when i feel like it), but definitely a source of stress for me. 

you probably think that my house is clean.  you probably think that i have a list and a schedule for cleaning and a daily to-do list and that i keep up with.  you probably think my house stays clean.  why?  because i'm home every single day.  i don't go anywhere from the time i wake up to about 5:30pm if i do choose or need to go anywhere that day. 

reality is that i take care of at least 5 children daily.  from 7:30 am to 5:30 pm.  and then it continues with my own two littles until they go to bed.  my life is taking care of these children.  i play with them, teach them, and take care of them all day long.  they do have their free time when i clean up after meals, but it's constant until they fall asleep at 1:00.  then, i sit.  that's my life.  and i do love taking care of kids.  i certainly feel like that's where God has called me at this stage of the game.  it's my job.  it's what i do.  it supports my family and allows me sweet time with my own two.  it couldn't get much better. 

i'm not complaining about that at all.  i just don't like that i get behind.  i get behind with laundry and cleaning.  so i freeze.  it's almost paralyzing to look around and see all that needs to be done.  so i sit.  and do nothing.  and get even more behind.  and it simply makes me crazy.  and it all starts over the next day.  there are moments when i think about it and allow myself the thought that i'm not the only mom who feels this way.  surely i'm not the laziest person on the planet.  i'm not on hoarders, for goodness sake.  and my house isn't a complete wreck.  it's dirty though.  i'll say that. 

people tell me all the time ... it's ok.  the time you spend with your kids is more important.  it's ok.  you have a million kids in your house.  it's ok.  you'll have time for that later.  it's ok.  you're busy.  and i'm a little tired of hearing that. it's not ok.  i do have time.  it's not like we're stretched in 20 different directions and i work outside the home.  it's not like i have 10 kids of my own.  heaven help me.  my kids go to bed and from 8:00pm until 11:00pm i sit.  and i do nothing.  seriously.  every day of my life.  sometimes there are cookies involved.  and as much as i am a person of change.  as much as i love schedules and lists.  i'm paralyzed.  i'm in this state of not doing anything because there's so much to do.  and every monday is the day i'm going to fix it all.  and by tuesday it's all hopeless once again. 

finding that balance is HARD people!!!  i don't have it all together and i'm not sure if i ever will.  until then, my kids will keep repeating "does it make you crazy, mama?"  i don't want my children to think of me as the mom who always cleaned.  i don't want my children to constantly hear that i can't come play because of i have to clean.  i do keep those separate.  it's making the most of my time when children are busy or asleep to get 'er done.  maybe that needs to be my motto ... get 'er done.  i'm a little redneck at times, so it'll work.

get 'er done.