. a true miracle .

i've been so excited to share my story, but it had to be the right time.  i had to get through the first weeks of it all to make sure i was in the clear to share the news.  so, here goes ... (it may be long, but i wanted to be able to look back and remember it all)

if you remember back in mid-january, i went to the hospital to have an HSG test done.  it was done in radiology and only took about 30 minutes for the actual test, but they shot dye into my uterus and fallopian tubes to #1 make sure the right tube really was gone.  #2 to make sure my uterus was ok and had no problems.  #3 to make sure the remaining tube was still functioning properly.  all went well and i was on my way.  my doctor did explain that sometimes this test makes a woman more fertile because it cleans everything out.  boy was he right! 

just a few weeks later, on february 15th, we found out that we were pregnant.  we weren't quick to get excited this time as it would count our 3rd miscarriage in a row if things weren't right.  but we were a little excited that it happened so fast and that we wouldn't have to wait any longer to find out that we'd be adding a 3rd little one to our family.

i had already been taking 3mg folic acid, 1 baby aspirin, and a prenatal vitamin each day.  now i was back on 200mg prometrium (a progesterone supplement) twice daily.  and my levels were increasing like they should be.  things were looking good.

thursday, february 23 was the first ultrasound.  at 5 weeks 3 days, there was a gestational sac, a yolk sac, and a fetal pole, but the baby wasn't visible at this point.  he said things looked good.  there was a pocket of blood next to the sac, but he said that this was normal and it looked okay.  we were happy.  hesitant again to get too excited.

monday, february 27 was the second ultrasound.  i was so nervous.  the ultrasound tech came in and started the ultrasound.  she said that there wasn't anything there and went to get the doctor.  as soon as he walked in, i started crying.  i knew that we had miscarried again.  i couldn't talk.  he kept asking me if i was feeling okay, and i couldn't respond.  he finished the ultrasound and i met him in his office.  the rest of it was kind of a blurr.  i cried the entire time i was in his office.  wondering why we were having to go through this again.  i couldn't answer any of his questions.  and he respected that.  i did tell him that i didn't want to do a D&C and that i'd prefer to just let the miscarriage happen naturally.  he mentioned a pill that i could take if i wanted to, but to wait a week and see if it happens on its own.  he walked me out the back door and that was it.  i cried off and on the rest of the day and told my family and a few friends.  it seemed to get harder and harder.  he did tell me to stop taking all medicine that day, so i complied with those orders.  my doctor did tell me later that when i left his office that day, he felt sick the rest of the day.  he immediately prayed for me and had other people pray for me as well.  what a blessing that is to know.

the rest of the week i was still feeling pregnant, despite being on all the hormone medicine.  i was very nauseated.  very very tired.  and i prayed.  i was in constant prayer all week.  i remember praying for God to take it all in His hands.  this whole thing was His.  and i felt a great peace about it.  i stopped worrying.  i stopped stressing and wondering.  i prayed.  anytime i even felt like i was going to get anxious, i prayed.  i have never prayed so hard before, but i really wanted to give God full control.  i've said that before about several things, but have never really given Him full control.  i've never really trusted Him 100% like i should.  there has always been a small amount of control that i keep to myself.  not this time.  it was all God's.  and i was peaceful.  and pregnant.

monday, march 5 i was still feeling pregnant.  i called and spoke with the nurse and told her that i still had not yet had any signs of miscarriage and that i would take the pill.  at this point, i wanted it to all be over with.  i was done feeling pregnant if i really wasn't.  i did, however, request an ultrasound before i did anything further.  i was able to go in at 1:30 that day, which was a blessing.  the ultrasound tech walked in as i was praying and i immediately said "now, i'm not expecting to see anything new, but i had to make sure before i went any further."  she totally understood and started the ultrasound.

i immediately knew.  there was a baby!!  the sac looked perfect.  and there it was.  a little flicker.  the baby had a heartbeat and all was well.  she looked at me and smiled.  she said that the doctor would want to see me for sure.  she told me that she went to him while he was with another patient and said "dr. gayle, erin's baby has a heartbeat!"  and he replied "malisa, that's not even funny.  that's not a good joke."  he came right away and did another ultrasound to see for himself. 

he was pretty quiet.  he was so unsure about what had happend and fumbled his words for a medical explanation and continued to come up with nothing.  the ultrasound the week before showed that the sac was getting smaller.  the yolk sac and fetal pole were gone.  so for everything to be there this week, plus a baby and a heartbeat was a true miracle. 

the blessing for me was that he was quick to point out that it was all God.  he explained that there are miracles that we pray for, for instance when a loved one is on the operating table and dying, and we pray that they live.  it'd be a miracle that they live.  this is a different miracle.  it's a HUGE miracle.  and there's no explanation other than God.  it's something that, medically, should not have happened, but God allowed it.  i honestly can't say that i was excited.  more like in shock.  very very happy, but in shock.  and, as my doctor explained, there was just a peace about it all.  we were all in this strange, but completely happy peace.  we're happy.  we're ecstatic.  we're blessed.  we're so very thankful.  but we're peaceful about it all. 

my doctor asked when i wanted to look again at the baby and i really had no response.  i'd see it again that same day if i could, but i assumed protocol would be another week or two.  he decided that he couldn't wait a whole week, so that friday i'd be back.

friday, march 9 i was there at 8am sharp.  the very first patient.  ultrasound showed ..
a healthy baby!  a strong heartbeat.  the arm and leg buds are forming.  and all looked great.  my doctor kept saying "wow.  wow."  the nurses are in shock as well.  it's so amazing to be IN a miracle.  to BE a miracle.  and for them to witness a true miracle.  it's been wonderful for all of us to experience.  again, he can't wait to look again as he said "this is a real miracle baby.  i want to look at it as many times and for however long i can!"  so, back i went back in just 4 short days.

as of today, i've had 6 ultrasounds done.  he's just checking to make sure all is growing well.  and it is.  the heartbeat has been a strong 159-169bpm.  the arms and legs, fingers and toes are forming perfectly.  and everything is right on track for it's age. 

it's been so hard to keep this a secret.  not only because we are excited to be having another baby, but to share the news that God does still give us miracles.  He does move mountains.  He does listen and answer prayers.  i've wanted to shout from the rooftops how awesome my God is, so keeping that a secret was hard.  this baby is a true miracle.  and i'll share that story for the rest of my life.