. words to remember .

*(1/2/12)  karsyn was playing "restaurant", as she called it, and had mykah and bryson sitting down at the table.  she brought them a piece of paper and said "what would you like today?  prancer, vixen, donner, or blitzen?"  my first thought was that santa must not have brought her what she wanted and she was taking it out on the reindeer!!

*(1/4/12) mykah has an attitude. we've established that. i was talking to her in her room about being nice to others and not making ugly faces when we get angry. she said "but mama, i tell you i love you every day!"

*(1/8/12) after church we went to C&J's for lunch.  we sat down, got all settled, plates fixed, drinks made and we bowed our heads to pray.  the girls belted out LOUD the prayer we say at home with all the other kids.  they sang "God our Father, God our Father, once again, once again.  We bow our heads and thank You, bow our heads and thank You.  Amen.  Amen."  loud.  i snickered, but tried to keep my composure.  typically we would say a quiet prayer where just the 4 of us could hear.  the entire restaurant was quiet and heard.  they all snickered and we got a few that commented how cute they were.

*(1/8/12) mykah still sucks her thumb.  a lot.  but we've told her for a while now that when she turns three, she can't suck it anymore.  today she said "only two more days till i can't suck my thumb no more."  we'll see if it goes that well tomorrow.

. today's sermon .

this morning at church was the first sunday our preacher was back after having a heart attack.  i prayed before we even left for church this morning that God would speak to me.  i prayed that whatever He had put in the preacher's heart to say, would directly impact me and somehow comfort me.  i needed counseling directly from God.  you know when you are listening to a sermon and God pretty much smacks you in the face?  you feel like the only one in the room and that the preacher is speaking directly to you?  that's how i felt this morning as he spoke.  i was in awe.  i had a hard time holding back the tears, although i did cry towards the end, as he spoke of trials and the ways God restores joy in your life during these trials you may have.  the first way was that He completely takes the trial out of your life.  the second way is what hit me.  he said that God will enable you to adapt to the trial you are facing in order to magnify His power in your life.  that's where i am.  smack dab in the middle.  although i haven't quite figured out how to show His power through my issues that i'm currently facing, i do know that He has put me in this place for a reason.  He is wanting me to trust Him in every way possible because this trial is not going away.  losing babies is something that i'll struggle with for a long time.  forever, most likely.  so how can i use my trials to magnify Him?!  that's what i'm seeking.  that's what i'm hoping to learn as i seek Him even more.

when i first found out about the tubal pregnancy, i never prayed.  i didn't seek out God's comfort right away.  i grieved first.  it may have been a little selfish to do, but i think it's natural.  i don't think i acted out of the ordinary at all.  i've grieved.  i have days where i still grieve.  today was a grieving day.  i sit on the front row of a walkway at church, so everyone that sits on that side pretty much has to walk in front of me to get to their seats.  i can't even tell you how many pregnant women i saw.  this afternoon i ventured out by myself to target.  that place was covered in pregnant women.  my heart sank.  but i was continually reminded that i didn't accidentally miscarry those babies.  i didn't accidentally come to this point in my life.  He placed me here.  He doesn't necessarily like the trials that i face, but He knows that my heart is with Him.  and, today, that's where my comfort is.  that's where my peace is.  i'm so very thanful for our preacher.  i'm so very thankful that God used him today of all days to speak to me.  it was the counseling that i needed.  it was a great reminder that He IS here and that all is well.

. 8/365 .

today was an absolutely wonderful day.  i've been trying to focus more on our sundays and intentionally having family time that is focused on US.  we are always home together, but the girls are usually watching a movie, i'm doing my own thing and the mister is doing his own thing.  usually two of them nap (and i'm not talking about myself or karsyn, so you can narrow down the others).  today we went to church, went out to eat lunch, then came home and we all got our play clothes on and we played soccer together.  it was a blast!  after that we went for a walk.  how fun it was!  after a little bit of rest time, the girls played in the (unexpected) rain.

it was an absolutely wonderful day.  as i'm typing this, dinner is cooking, the girls are taking a bath, and the mister is watching football.  i wish days like this never ended.

. 7/365 .

oh how fast my girl is growing up.  you see that she lost her second tooth today?  yep.  it's been loose since her first one fell out, so it's taken a few weeks.  last time, she was at my parents house, right after i had surgery and she swallowed it.  i missed it.  i missed my baby losing her first tooth!  it was HUGE for me and i did cry.  this time, she was at my mother-in-law's house and it fell to the carpet below her.  she found it and was so excited!  AND, i didn't cry.  what does make me want to cry is that hair!  it's so out of control!! 

ps.  i did have to pay her a dollar to let me take this picture.  i think i may have started something.

"When God allows extraordinary trials for His people, He prepares extraordinary comforts for them."  Corrie Ten Boom

I spent time this afternoon thinking about and praying for so many of my dear friends who are hurting right now for different reasons.  You know, in the past 4 months, one friend lost her sweet, sweet mother.  One friend had 2 miscarriages.  One friend lost a baby late in her pregnancy, for the second time this year.  One friend lost her baby late in pregnancy right after complications from in-utero surgery.  I had a miscarriage and then emergency surgery for another miscarriage and tubal pregnancy combined.  Those are just the ones that come to mind as I type this.  It's been a HARD last few months.  I was doing great too, early this week, and now I'm drifting back a bit.  So many trials.  So much sadness around us. 

BUT ... there is hope.  And I know where to find it.  And thankfully each of the friends I mentioned above knows where to find it too and they've all turned to God since their own trials, although they have grieved and continue to grieve to this day.  Loss, especially of a pregnancy or baby is so hard to understand.  I never asked God why he took away three babies from me.  I never hated God for allowing that to happen.  But there was deep sadness about it.  I don't understand it.  I never will.  How do you birth two healthy babies, then lose the next three? 

Thankfully, God does not put us here to understand why things happen.  He does not give us trials to understand.  He gives them to us to pull us closer to Him and to rely on Him on a much deeper level than ever before.  The sadness, the worry, the emotions of it all will still be there and don't take away from the faith in Him.  He just asks us to trust in Him fully, without wavering.  I struggle with that.  I do.  I'd totally be lying if I said that I fully trust His every move all the time and He was the first person I thought of when the doctor uttered the words "I'm sorry, you've miscarried."  Selfishly, I thought of myself those times.  When I heard the news of my each of my friends, I immediately grieved.  I didn't praise Him.  How do you praise Him when someone you loved or a baby you longed for is taken away?  That's the hardest thing and I'm struggling with that a little today.  To praise Him.  To love Him.  To honor Him.  To trust Him.  To think of Him above all others.  To fully rely on His words, His actions, His comforts, His peace.  It's definitely what I want to do.  It's definitely where I want to be in my relationship with Him.  Below are just a few of the many verses that I've been reading to help transform my thought process from where it is, to where He wants it to be.  To fully rely on what His plan is for my life and for others.  And what precious promises they are and what amazing, extraordinary comfort they provide.

{Look to the LORD and his strength; seek his face always.  1 Chron. 16:11}

{The LORD is faithful to all his promises and loving toward all he has made. The LORD upholds all those who fall and lifts up all who are bowed down. The eyes of all look to you, and you give them their food at the proper time. You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing.             Ps. 145:13-16}

{"For I am the LORD, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13}

{"God has poured out his love into our hearts." Romans 5:5}