. way to be beautiful .

used to, i would have typed "WEIGH to be beautiful".  today, for me, it's a WAY.  i have only struggled with my weight since having children.  i weighed 120 lbs when i graduated high school.  i did gain weight in college, some muscle, some pizza and grilled cheese sandwiches.  playing basketball probably is the only reason i didn't gain 50 lbs my freshman year.  getting married and then pregnant was probably what did it in for me.  i wasn't trying to please anyone because my husband loved me for who i was.  and let's face it, pregnancy just does wonders (not always good) for your body.  for me, i gained 30 pounds each pregnancy and simply never got serious about taking it back off.  and it's always been a fight.  i hate losing weight.  i would weigh myself every single day, which is a big no-no anyway.  i've never gotten into the world of fad diets, but have always ventured to weight watchers and simply eating healthy.  i've never counted calories, but i have gone to the extreme of not eating at all a time or two.  trust me, it doesn't work.  for 5 years now it's just been about the weight.  my weight comsumed my every thought all day long.  everytime there was an issue at hand, it always came down to "well, i'm fat and i hate myself for being fat and that's why ..."  i never succeeded.  and after each time i failed, i felt uglier and uglier. 
today, there is a small voice inside me telling me to go weigh myself.  i did step on that dirty scale when i found out i was pregnant a few weeks ago, just to have what i thought would be a starting point in that journey.  i haven't stepped on it since then.  part of me has no desire to, part of me wants to see where i am starting out in this new journey.  but because i'm starting to feel beautiful on the inside, the weight doesn't even matter anymore.  i may allow myself to step on the scale in a few months.  i may give in and weigh tomorrow.  who knows, but it's not about the weight for me right now.  it's all about feeling good and being beautiful.  i have walked/jogged at 5:30am for a few days and the change in me is tremendous and i never want to stop. 

weighing less doesn't always mean you are more beautiful.  especially not on the inside.  and if you can't be beautiful on the inside, people may not always notice the beauty on the outside.  it starts from within.  i simply want to be healthy.  for my insides to be beautiful.  so that people will notice my beauty all around.

*this picture was taken on one of my "i feel beautiful" days.