. the hands of a man .

how awesome is it that my son's head laid in the hands of a man who is 80 years old?

how awesome is it that my son's head laid in the hands of a man who has lived a long, hard, but abundant life?

how awesome is it that my son's head laid in the hands of a man who has seen more change & heartache in this world than i will ever see?

how awesome is it that my son's head laid in the hands of a man who has done more manual labor than any of my children (or i) will ever do?

how awesome is it that my son's head laid in the hands of a man who has been married to the same wonderful woman for 57 years?

how awesome is it that my son's head laid in the hands of a man who has loved on 5 children, triple the number of grandchildren, and nearly as many great-grandchildren?

how awesome is it that my son's head laid in the hands of a man who is still able to create masterpieces out of wood?

how awesome is it that my son's head laid in the hands of the man that my mom still calls "daddy"?  

how awesome is it that my son's head laid in these very hands?  the hands that belong to my poppy?  the same hands who held me when i was that age?  the hands who still pick blackberries with my daughters?  the hands who still swing small children? 

it's pretty awesome.  and i'm thankful for those very hands that held my son's head that day.

. sleepy boy .

he likes his mama.  and he likes her left shoulder. 

seems like no matter who has him, if i take him from them, he snuggles right up and calms down.  sometimes he falls asleep.  typically, i put him in his bed awake and he falls asleep on his own.  or i rock him at night before bedtime.  but sometimes i can just hold him up on my shoulder and he'll fall asleep just like this. 

sweetest. thing. ever.

. merry christmas .

I was a slacker mama this year.  The kids have Christmas pajamas, but somehow they didn't make it on their bodies.  Jaxton had his on just before the picture, but spit up on Santa.  Christmas was different for us this year in a few ways.  We had several firsts.  It was our first Christmas with three kids.  And it was also our first Christmas to drive home Christmas Eve to have Santa come to our house.  In the past, we've always been at my parents house and Santa came there.  Now that the day is done, I can honestly say that I miss being at my parents house.  I've cried a few times today just thinking about what we're missing by being there.  We ended up having a good day despite my emotional start.  

I must say, Christmas with three kids was a lot of fun.  I cannot wait to see what next year holds.  The joy, excitement, happiness, and wonder on their faces is so much fun to be a part of as a parent.

. words to remember .

mykah ... "papa, some people think you're a crazy person."

mykah ... "mama, please take out my eyeballs."

mykah ... "anyone want a hug?"

can you tell she keeps us entertained?

. SIX .

 

she's six.  

i don't even know the words to type to tell you how proud i am to be this girl's mama.  but how can she already be 6 years old?  i look back at baby pictures and tears fill my eyes.  she's grown so much and into such a beautiful, smart girl.  she's certainly not a baby anymore.  thankfully she has kept her crystal blue eyes.  

i look back and remember that it took her 2 years to grow hair.  and now her curls are uncontrollable.  she has her own style.  she has her own sense of humor.  she has her own way of doing everything.  and i love that about her.  she can be shy and timid.  a little self-conscious at times.  stubborn most of the time.  extremely smart.  bossy.  she certainly knows what she wants.  

and all of that makes her karsyn.  

 

she loves school.  she loves her friends. she loves that she can read some.  she loves that she knows addition and subtraction.  she still loves soccer.  and music.  and singing.  she's a pretty passionate girl.  and i'm so thankful she's mine.

  

. 3 months old .

my buddy is 3 months old.  i can't even begin to tell you how fast time is flying by.  i saw a tiny newborn baby this morning who was the same size as jaxton was when he was born and it nearly brought me to tears.  he is much bigger now than he was.  and it's hard to imagine.

you know, when our journey to have our third child began last year, it was hard to even fathom having one more.  hard to know what it would be like.  and now, at just 3 months, it's hard to remember what life was without him.  i could rock him, squeeze him, snuggle with him every hour of every day.  and i do as much as possible.

there's something about that first son.  and something else about that last baby that you'll have.  he got it double and he's sure to be spoiled.  even more than i ever thought possible.

so, at 3 months, my little guy is ...

* sleeping through the night.  what a shocker that was.  one night i just randomly decided to try to put him to bed by 8pm and see what happens.  we thought he was super colicky. we thought there was something wrong with him because for at least 4 hours every evening he would scream.  little did we know that all he wanted was to go to bed early.  all it took was 1 night.  he went down at 8pm and i had to wake him up at 7:30am to feed him before taking karsyn to school.  he's never looked back!  he has slept at least that long since then. 

* loves his schedule.  he is ready for his bath at 7pm.  then he knows that there should be a bottle in his mouth immediately after.  by 8pm he is snuggled in bed.

* started sucking his thumb.  actually gags on the paci now.  which is NOT what i wanted at all.

* has the sweetest smile ever.

* mama's boy.  for sure.  he leans towards me when someone else is holding him.  and he has a special spot on my left shoulder where he likes to hang out.  he wraps his little arms around my neck, holds onto my hair, & snuggles in.  it's the best thing in the world.

* still hates being in the car.  he screams every single time.  usually until i reach back & stick my finger in his mouth.  then he's good.

* is just now starting to wear some 3-6 month clothes.  still in size 2 diapers.

. ten ways to be perfect .

the holiday season is so different this year.  i'm not sure if it's because i actually feel good and am not recovering from emergency surgery like last year.  if it's because the girls are older and i have a newborn.  or if it's simply because time is flying these days like never before.  i know for sure that my creativeness has flown out the window.  my desire for the girls to always look cute and put together.  these days, i'm lucky if their hair is fixed properly or if mykah even has shoes on. 

the last 2 years we have done some sort of advent activity daily through the Christmas season.  one year it was 25 different books.  last year, we missed days here and there because of my surgery.  this year we decided that we wanted our focus in our advent activities to be solely on Jesus.  we're trying extremely hard to make Jesus the focus of our every day.  we have gotten so caught up in life it seems that sometimes we skip our prayers.  or we decide that we're too tired to go to church.  we're refocusing that.  Jesus is top priority.  we go to church.  we talk about what we learned at church.  we pray before every meal.  we pray before we leave the house.  we pray before we go to bed.  if the girls are arguing, we pray.  if someone is sick, we pray.  i'm trying to talk to karsyn about praying whenever she wants to.  i want her to learn, now that she's almost 6, about building that relationship with God.  so, this year, for advent, we are reading out of this book daily ...

 

 (source)

and boy am i glad i came across this book.  we read one chapter each night at bedtime.  it's been wonderful.  each chapter is leading up to the birth of Jesus.  

here's where i'm going with this post.  last night, the chapter was titled "ten ways to be perfect".  it got my attention fast.  i am a perfectionist.  i try to be perfect in all that i do.  these days, it's bad, with all this energy that i have from losing weight and taking supplements.  i go 90 miles an hour all day long trying to make things perfect.  i went 8 months being pregnant and not doing a single thing, so part of me just feels that i'm making up for that time.  during those months, my house was david's house.  he did all the laundry.  he cleaned.  and now i want my house back.  i want it how i want it.  and i want things to flow perfectly.  so every day i go and go and go, striving for that perfection that i want.  it's obviously my idea of perfection, but it's still perfection.  i want everything to be in its place.  i want the clothes washed and folded properly.  i want the canned goods to be perfect.  i want my children to be perfect.  

with all that being said, understand that i do take time for my kids.  we still sit down for dinner every night and talk about our day.  i still sit down and read books to them.  i take every chance i get to rock jaxton.  i swing mykah on the swingset when she asks.  we play barbies.  so i'm not neglecting my time with them just to get everything else in life in order.  

but, in our story last night it talks about God giving us the 10 commandments that would be guidelines for being perfect.  God knew that when He gave us those commandments that we would not be able to keep them all, perfectly, all the time.  It says "Only one Person could keep all the rules.  And many years later God would send him - to stand in their place and be perfect for them.  Because the rules couldn't save them.  Only God could save them."  i've had this on my mind since reading it.  No matter how perfect I try to be, it doesn't matter to Him.  it matters only to me.  i don't think my husband and children even care if things are in its place.  the perfection is only for myself.  and, since I should be trying to live for God and to have Him be seen through me, the attempt at perfection is meaningless.  all it does is keep order in my home, which is important, but not near as important as keeping Him in my home.  

today, my prayer is that my focus on perfection would shift.  that i wouldn't try to kill myself to keep things perfect.  that i would focus my entire day on Him and making my life pleasing to His eyes.  and that others would see that.  that others would see that i'm not a perfectionist, but that i'm living my life the way God intended. 

. my boy .

i'm pretty sure i'm still in shock that i have a son.  i thought i'd be an all-girl mom for sure.  but God blessed me with a son.  and to see this face looking back at me ...

it overwhelms my heart.  those eyes remind me of the journey we went on this last year.  they tell a story.  one that i'll never forget.  they remind me to trust God.  for trust in Him is the only reason this baby is here with me today.  i don't think about the what if's from that appointment back in february.  i think about how perfect God's timing was.  how perfect the peace was and how abundant the prayers were.  and about how he's mine.  to teach about God.  he'll know about God for sure.  he'll know all about miracles, prayers, blessings, and timing.  and he'll always know how special he is to me and how much i love him.   my son.

. another one .

Why does this thumb sucking thing have to be so darn cute?  Yep, we have another one.  He now gags on the paci and does what he can to get that thumb in his mouth.  What do you do?!?! 

. bumbo magic .

 

now, the boy really isn't big enough just yet for the bumbo and i know there are recalls on it, but i don't plan on leaving him unattended like some parents do.  off that soapbox.  i used the bumbo just like this for both girls and now jaxton gets to enjoy it.  stick the bumbo in the sink and ... VOILA!  mama gets to clean the kitchen just like that.  he loves it.  and i'm so thankful. 

 

. meeting pop .

david's dad has been in the hospital basically since february.  he is currently in the veteran's hospital in waco and we venture that way as much as possible to visit with him.  today was the first time though that jaxton got to meet him.  the first time he laid eyes on his grandson. 

he asks about him all the time and remembers that he was born, but since he has been tested positive for MRSA, we have been unable to bring jaxton to see him.  that all changed today.

his nurses wheeled him down to the bottom floor waiting room.  when his eyes met jaxton, he cried.  we all cried.  i actually don't think i've ever seen him cry before.  they were mixed tears i'm sure.  i know my tears were.  i'm so very happy that he finally got to meet my sweet boy, but my heart hurts that he may never get to know him or see him grow up. 

BUT .. our sweet boy is living proof that God is still in the business of performing miracles, so we pray constantly for Pop.  for healing.  for the drive to do his therapy.  not just so we can have him home, but so his grandchildren can know him more.

. his expressions .

he is probably the most expressive baby i have ever known.  since the day he was born, probably.  he can make some crazy, silly, sweet faces.  these are some just from one photo shoot.  he went from being happy, to sneezing, to sad, happy, wondering, and sad all in a matter of minutes.  seconds probably.  and each face is as cute as can be.

. holiday parade .

it was a busy day!  we had church, then our sunday school lunch, then the holiday parade.  jaxton was pretty much done.  we stayed for probably the first half of the parade, then left.  actually, i think all 3 kids were done, but it was a lot of fun while we were there.

 

and it was hot.  why is it so hot in december?!?  the holiday parade is supposed to consist of blankets, snuggling, and hot chocolate.  not ice water and sweat.  we enjoyed it though!

. turkey trot / turkey feast .

karsyn's school held their turkey trot on their last day of school before thanksgiving break.  the kinder kids had to run 3 laps around the school's track and the first 6 boys and first 6 girls to finish from each grade won a ribbon.  we had been talking about it for a few days before, mainly because i wanted to see what she was thinking.  i explained that she'd get a ribbon if she was in the top 6 kinder girls.  she didn't really care.  she must not be my child because i would have been determined to WIN.  i'm slightly competitive.  BUT, we had the conversation about how it doesn't matter if we win, we would be happy as long as she tried her best.  i'm not sure if she's a "runner".  she sure doesn't run here.  but she talks all the time about "johnson joggers" that they do in PE every friday, so i knew she'd been running some.  and i secretly want her to love running. 

here she is.  lap 1, 2, & 3. 

she was highly uninterested in her picture being taken.  mom note taken, but not obeyed.  she did GREAT.  she ran most of the 3 laps and got 5th place.  this mama was so proud!  and the sister was tired.  apparently watching sissy run wore her out.  she needed water.  stat.

 

and here she is with her ribbon.  proud as can be.  she has shown everyone she comes across.  i was so proud of her for being happy as ever with a fifth place ribbon.  never once did she even mention not getting first. 

 

after the turkey trot, we all gathered in the cafeteria for their thanksgiving program.  these teachers do such an amazing job with the kindergarten kids.  they planned a whole program for the parents to watch.  my girl was a little indian.  a very cute indian at that.  they gobbled up their turkey feast, complete with chicken nuggets, which i thought was hysterical.  chicken nuggets, grapes, and popcorn.  meal of champions.  what a great day it was!  i love getting to see karsyn interact with her teacher and her friends and to show me what all she has learned.  she's grown up too fast!!!

 

. 2 months .

i simply cannot believe how big he is getting so fast.  he actually held himself up long enough for this picture!  i must admit, he's a handsome little guy.  and i love him more than life.

. 2 months .

 

ok, so he's not quite 2 months, but will be in 4 days.  sweet boy had his 2 month well check yesterday. so, at 2 months, he ...

*weighs 10 lbs 2 oz!  he's grown so much.  it shocks me that he's gained a whole 4 pounds since he was born.  he still seems to tiny to me, but looking through his weekly pictures makes me realize just how big he's gotten.

*is 22 inches.  he's a short dude.  the girls were born at 21.5 inches.  

*the white onesie in this picture is still a newborn size.  all of his sleepers are 0-3 months though.  he has long legs!  

*still in size 1 diapers, although as soon as this pack is gone, we'll buy size 2.  i put him in size 2 at night time b/c he pees SO much!

*is still struggling with reflux.  we're about to try zantac.  prevacid made him much worse!  he's still not spitting up much, but that spit up stays in his throat and it hurts him.  

*has colic.  booooooooooooooo!  he is pretty fussy and restless from about 6pm until we finally get him to sleep.  some nights is 10.  some 11.  one night was 12:30 before we got him settled down.

*during his colicky time, he likes to be put into the carrier on my chest and for me to vaccum.  puts him right to sleep every time.  needless to say, my floors stay clean! 

*takes 1 LONG nap every day.  he stays awake from his first morning feeding until his 2nd one.  then sleeps until the next feeding.  so a 4 hour nap!  we'll see how long that lasts.  he'll then be awake for a few hours, and take another shorter nap.  then awake.  fussy.  then down for the night.

*has been sleeping in his crib, but in the bouncy seat this week.  seems to help his reflux and colic to be inclined and with the vibrate on the bouncy.  

*smiles.  a sweet, sweet smile.  he's done it for me just a few times.  he smiles a lot for david and karsyn.  

*grabs and holds onto the collar of my shirt when i hold him and feed him.  i know very well when he needs his nails trimmed!!! 

. my 3 babies .

it's been a debate trying to decide who jaxton looks like.  i'm no good at this game, but to me he favors karsyn.  i think they all have their own look, really.  he has the longer face like karsyn, but the darker features like mykah.  whadya think?

. halloween 2012 .

i wanted to care this year.  really, i did.  i'm finally feeling great and wanted to go all out for halloween this year.  trust me, the intent was there.  but when it came down to it, all i wanted was for it to be over with.  costumes were a challenge.  the girls change their minds 900 times.  mykah has wanted to be a pink power ranger since last year.  karsyn changed her mind more than she changes underwear.  so the friday night before halloween, we headed out.  with a mission.  we wouldn't go home until we bought costumes.  and this is what we ended up with.

mykah is blueberry from strawberry shortcake.
karsyn is jessie from toy story.
jaxton.  well, he was just sporting his pumpkin gear.  

seriously?
yep.  that's what they wanted. 

and karsyn's was too short.  but i didn't care. 
and mykah's was too small.  and i didn't care again.  i really thought hers would fit.  it was a size 4-6x.  she's 3 years old!  it fit everywhere but the belly.  obviously.  oh well.

next year ... 

. he grows! .

can you even believe how much he's grown?

. 1 month dr visit .

one month doesn't typically call for a doctors visit, but my little buddy has been having some reflux issues and now was the time to get him in.  he doesn't spit up near what the girls did.  his is "silent reflux", where it stays in the esophagus causing pain and irritation.  he arches his back.  coughs.  has nasty hiccups.  and he's been a pretty restless sleeper lately. 

thankfully, our pediatrician is familiar with the reflux that both of the girls had, so he went straight to the point.  "zantac or prevacid?"  were his first words.  prevacid it is for us.  we now have a prescription and are praying it works soon.  i have to take him back in if it doesn't help the reflux in the next 2 weeks.

other big news from the doctors office ... little buddy weighs a whopping 8 lbs 5 oz. 
i. was. shocked.  how can he have gained a whole 2 pounds since birth?!  the doc said he has now moved from the 2nd percentile to the 10th.  :)  he's still my little buddy, just growing like a weed.

and what would a post be without a picture ...

. little pumpkin .

we headed to the farm patch pumpkin patch today.  the farm patch is our local farmer's market and i think i may have a new addiction.  it was so fun to walk in and see bins and tables full of fresh produce.  we ventured to the back of the place and walked through their pumpkin patch.  it was a lot of fun.  what wasn't fun was trying to get all 3 of my children to cooperate at one time for a decent picture.  didn't happen.  and mama didn't have the patience for it to happen.  usually i can pull of 2-3 good pictures of them together.  not this time. 

but little man worked it.  my little pumpkin.  this is my new favorite picture of him.

AAAAANNND ... he is ONE MONTH OLD today.  how in the world did that happen?!?! 

. 1 month old .

how are we even here already?!?  he's grown and changed so much. 

*weighs 8 lbs 5 oz ... this means he's gained a whole 2 pounds in the last 2 weeks!
*eats great.  4 oz every 4 hours.  give or take.  sometimes he's starving after 3 hours. 
*does have reflux though.  he's now on prevacid twice a day for that.
*still on a good schedule.  eats at 10:00, 2:00, 6:00 around the clock.
*getting stronger!  he can hold his head up pretty good.
*loves his bath.  does not love the process of getting there or leaving there.
*sleeps on his boppy pillow, swaddled tight.
*hates his car seat.

we call him buddy.  or bud.  it's the sweetest thing in the world to hear the girls talk to him.  i love how much they love him and how much attention they give him.  and mykah now plays babies like never before. 

i still can't believe how much i love him. 

. be still my heart .

i can hardly believe the bond these two have.  the way he looks at her.  the way she talks to him.  words can't describe what it makes this mama's heart do. 

can you feel it too?

. 4 weeks old .

*definitely a paci baby, as you can see.  he doesn't need it all the time and i try really hard not to stick it in his mouth at night to help him sleep.

*working hard at getting his head up

*has been more alert the last few days for sure.  he stays awake for a couple of hours at a time now

*his sleeping at night hasn't been the best, but he's doing good.  he sleeps solid from 11-2, then is pretty restless the rest of the night.  he has ended up in bed with me once or twice.

*i'm pretty sure the restlessness is from silent reflux.  we'll talk to the doctor next week about that.  he started coughing some, chewing motion like he spit up and it stayed in his mouth so he swallowed it again, getting fussy after feedings.

*now on dr. brown's bottles.  hoping this helps his fussiness & gas

*does NOT like to have a wet diaper

*does NOT like to be cold.  usually if he fusses, but he's already eaten and has a dry diaper, then all he wants is a blanket.  silly boy.

*does NOT like to be in his car seat.  especially if the car is not moving.

*he is still in newborn diapers and clothes.  we may move up to size 1 diapers only because he's close to wearing them anyway and we are almost out of newborns.

4 weeks?!?!  that came so fast.  i'm so glad he still seems so little, but i can tell that he's growing and changing daily.  i'm so happy that my little family is complete.

. wordless wednesday .

. in the details .

i wish i could remember vividly the details of each of my babies.  i remember a lot, but sometimes i have to think back.  good thing i blogged most of it.  seriously.  for little man, i want to remember this...

i can't stop staring at his hair and his head.  his skin is still super soft.  his hair so fine.  a little fuzzy in the back.  and he has a perfect head.  we keep saying that his head is already prepared to be shaved when he's 18 like his daddy.  it has dark spots and light spots.  and it's curly when it's wet.  in the front, his hair line almost reached down to his eyebrows, which tickles me.  and it really looks like he has a receding hairline.  like his daddy. 

it's precious.  it really is.

. my girl .

i always thought karsyn would be mama's girl.  she's definitely turned into daddy's girl though.  and makes it quite obvious at times.  this girl though ...

she's mine.  and she makes it even more obvious who she prefers than her sister does.  she does love her daddy though.  first thing she does when he comes home from work is tackles him.  or punches him.  throws some of her signature power rangers moves right at him.  yep, he walks in the door already guarded.  i always thought i'd have girly girls.  not. at. all.

the personality this girl packs is beyond amazing.  she's spunky.  wild.  crazy.  naive.  hilarious.  she makes us bust a gut every single day.  you just never know what'll come out of that mouth.  that's what i love about her.  she's so carefree.  loud.  sometimes out of control. 

and i wouldn't have her any other way.

just about every thursday i wish i had put her in preschool.  she wears me out.  she's constantly on the move.  constantly wanting to "make something", which always means she wants me to let her loose in my kitchen to create whatever she feels like it with whatever ingredients her little heart desires.  ain't happenin'.  and she doesn't understand.  so now, every wednesday, we bake.  in preparation for the holidays, but also to fulfill that desire she has to make sweets.  it's a win win.  and it still poops me out, but that time with her is so worth it. 

. 3 weeks old .

*suddenly eating 3 1/2 ounces every 4 hours

*eats and sleeps all night.  he wakes up at 2:00 and then again at 6:00am still.

*going to see nana and papa today!  and meet my grandparents for the first time.

*still sleeps a lot during the day.  helps mama get lots done!

*not much else has changed since last week.

*loves taking a bath.  does not love getting out of the bath.

*the girls are doing so great!  they even want to feed him now, which i have allowed once or twice.

*nicknames : bubba, bubs, buddy, bud

. rain socks .

what?  don't you take every chance you get to dance in the rain?  in your pajamas?  and socks because you can't find your rain boots?  their "boot socks", as they call them, were the next best thing.  and they danced.  and i let them.

and this is proof that sometimes they do like each other.

. wordless wednesday .

. who knew .

first of all.  who knew i'd have a teeny tiny baby?  who knew he'd be 5 weeks early?  ok, quick story to answer that one.  i actually told david for 2 months prior that i'd deliver on september 20th.  i knew i'd only be 35 weeks.  but that's the date that continually came to my mind for some reason.  i even scheduled a cleaning lady to come on the 19th, just in case.  little did i TRULY know..

who knew that we'd have to go buy newborn clothes?  and more newborn diapers?  who knew that he'd have to use the hospital bottles for his first two weeks of life?

i know these are supposed to be disposable bottles, but it's the only thing we could get him to drink his formula from for 2 weeks.  another side note : his first 2 days, he drank regular similac.  he started spitting up immediately!  AHH!  i prayed for a long time that we'd have just one baby that didn't spit up.  and he did.  after talking with his nurse, we decided to go ahead and switch him to similac sensitive, which is what both of the girls ended up on.  and it's been MUCH better.  and immediate difference.

back to the bottles ... and now i'm wondering why this is even blog post worthy, but it is.  so, disposable hospital bottles.  they sent us home with 10 bottles.  i would just wash them out and reuse them.  something about the nipple.  we have a ton of avent bottles.  the 4 oz ones.  and he just doesn't drink good out of them.  so these teeny tiny bottles were what we used for 2 weeks.  i have since bought evenflo bottles that have the same exact nipple and he seems to be doing well. 

i think the point of this post is so i can look back and remember the things that proved how little he was.  one day he'll be a giant.  maybe he'll be taller than me.  maybe he'll be taller than his daddy.  and it'll be so very hard for me to remember him being a mere 6 pounds 7 ounces.  and how his feet didn't even stretch out to the ends of his newborn size sleepers.  or how none of his 0-3 month hats fit his little head.

. rocking the argyle .

look at my little man!  rockin' the argyle sweater and khakis to his first day at church.  i know, it may have been to early to venture out, but i had to!  i kept him close as to keep as many hands as possible away.  many people respected that.  and he did great.  we missed half of sunday school because it was feeding time and i had forgotten what to do it seemed.  it's been a while since i've had a baby at church with me!  and during the sermon, he got snuggle time with mrs. shannon and slept pretty much the whole time. 

. 2 weeks old .

 

time is flying already!  little man is 2 weeks old today and here's some new stuff about him ...

*he had his 2 week check up today.  

*weighs just 6 lbs 7 oz.  he's only gained an ounce in the last week, which the doctor was concerned about.  we're having to increase feedings and come back next week for a weight check.  he eats so good though, so this surprised me.  

*was 19 3/4 inches.  he's grown a whole inch since he was born!

*was in the 25th percentile on the preemie charts for height and weight.  this surprised me too!  he was a 6lb 5oz preemie and there's lots of term babies born at that weight.  so out of 100 preemies, he's longer and weighs more than 25 of them.  when the doctor adjusted the chart to make him "term", he was in the 5th percentile.  he's a tiny little dude!

*eating 2 oz every 4 hours.  

*sleeping so good now.  he had a few days of having his days and nights mixed up, but i think we got that straightened out now.  he wakes up at night to eat and goes right back to sleep.

*yawns a lot!  and sneezes even more.  and gets the hiccups after every bottle.

*loves to lay on his side.  at night, he sleeps swaddled tight, on his side, on his boppy pillow.

*started picking his head up really good last night.

i'm still shocked that he's here.  i should still be pregnant or about to be induced at this point.  he continues to be so laid back, unless he has a wet diaper.  and he really enjoys taking a bath now, until you get him out of the warm water.  i bathe him about every other day right now because his skin is still so thin and dries out very quickly.  we keep him lathered up in lotion all day! 

. my school girl .

i am an emotional person.  1000%.  so i have a feeling there will be lots of blog posts in the coming weeks where i just ramble.  and it'll be emotional.  cause that's how i am.  and, right now, that's how i get through the days.  baby blues are killin' me this go 'round.  

ok, so ... the blog, and lots of other things, took a back seat during my pregnancy.  it makes me sad that i wasn't able to keep up with it, but i could hardly keep up with my own kids!  pregnancy makes me very lazy and i had every right to be, i'd say.  growing a baby is hard work!  after my last two pregnancies have ended, life resumes, and i finally start to feeling better, i always have a guilty feeling that lingers.  guilty because i basically lost 9 months of life with the child i already had.  for 9 months mama didn't feel good.  for 9 months mama was tired.  i can't imagine what went through their heads for those 9 months.  surely they noticed that mama wasn't the same.  but did they understand and were they okay with it?  those are the things i think of today.  i missed lots of precious time with my girls these past 8 months, this time around.  and now i feel like i have to catch up.

remember, karsyn started kindergarten?!  do you know how hard this year has been on this mama's heart?!?  to have my first baby start kindergarten AND have a new baby all close to the same time.  my heart has ached, all for good reasons, for the last 2 months.  i just thought karsyn starting kinder did me in.  then jaxton comes along.  and now i have 3 blessings.  ok, we won't go into all of that again.

karsyn has done so good in school.  i must say, she has already grown so much in the last month that she's been in school.  seriously.  grown tremendously.  she no longer lets me drop her off at the front door.  we've backed up to the sidewalk now.  "just drop me off here" she tells me every day.  and, yes, i'm the mom that parks it and watches her walk all the way inside the door.  that's me. 

she did miss one day for being sick.  i debated.  debated hard on whether or not to send her that day.  it was a monday.  mykah had been sick with a lower respiratory infection the week before and karsyn caught it by that weekend.  she never had fever, but was coughing up lungs for a few days.  i spoke with a sweet friend who was a school nurse and said to keep her home!  several said that she won't get behind in kindergarten for missing one day.  so, i kept her home.  we actually ended up at the doctor that day and got medicine, so thankfully she was better right away.  she acted perfectly fine the rest of the day, so she certainly went back to school the following day.

she missed the day jaxton was born as well.  who wouldn't have?  although we didn't know for sure what time he would arrive, she had it set in her mind the day before that she would be at the hospital and not at school.

then, the day i never even thought of explaining.  daddy went to pick her up last week and she was so sad.  "i didn't have a good day."  he even had to carry her inside when they got home.  i had no clue what could have caused her to be so sad.  and i never even thought about telling her this could happen.  she had a substitute teacher.  mrs. mosely was not at school.  and it broke her sweet little heart.  my girl is definitely a girl of routine and planning.  she has to know about things before they happen.  i never once thought about preparing her for this kind of day.  where the teacher would be out.  and it broke her heart.  thankfully, mrs. mosely returned the next day and all was right in the world once again.  i did have a talk with her though about how that could happen, so maybe next time won't be so traumatic.

and ... a day i actually prepared for ... she wanted to eat in the cafeteria.  GASP!  okay.  okay.  it's not life-threatening.  but she's always insisted that she takes her lunch.  now all of a sudden she wants to eat there.  it's not that huge of a deal.  my mom is a food nutrition director for the school district i grew up in.  i know how cafeterias work, for the most part.  and i know what kind of food they serve.  my hesitation was that i know what kind of food my mom's cafeterias serve.  not ours.  so i was hesitant.  but i let go.  and she loves it.  we check the menu daily and she decides if she wants to eat that or not.  and i'm ok with it right now.  our mornings are crazy enough with a new baby in the house.  it's just one of those things i chose not to fight.  plus, nana went to eat with her one day last week and gave us the "nana approval".  

. the sisters .

oh the tears.  they keep on comin'. 

right now it's because of how amazing the girls have been this past week and a half.  my children are planners.  just like their mama.  and with no one having any idea that wednesday morning would be my last morning home for five days, we were all thrown off schedule.  life happens that way sometimes.  being the little planners that they are, it definitely threw them for a loop.  karsyn went to school that morning with no idea.  and came home to "mommy's in the hospital."  mykah's world was turned upside down.  she's a mama's girl for sure. 

but as their world was turned upside down, they grew.  they turned out to be amazing.  i am still so proud of how they did.  they were with mimi for 2 days.  then nana and papa came.  then mykah got sick.  then nana got very sick.  then jaxton was born.  then mama and jaxton were still in the hospital for another day. 

it's easy for me to understand.  but for a 5 and a 3 year old, i can't even fathom what was going through their little minds.  but they prevailed.  they did so good.

and the way they look at their little brother is amazing in itself.

mykah has been very sweet.  in her time.  she does want to hold him.  but not for long.  and when he naps, she has to check on him every 10 minutes.  a video monitor will be our next purchase for sure.  she calls him "bubba" and kisses him so softly.  she may now be known as "the crazy sister" and the name suits her quite well.  she still doesn't understand how to be calm and quiet around baby brother and we are fully aware that he'll simply have to get used to it.  my heart melts every time i see my baby hold my new baby.  she's done so well.

karsyn is definitely a little mama.  she's been amazing, which we all knew she would be.  but the way she looks at him?  brings tears to my eyes once more.  there's a sincere love their that i can hardly put into words.  she wants to hold him from the time she wakes up to the time she leaves for school and repeats the process as soon as she walks in the door (and washes her hands).  she calls him "jaxty boy" or "bubba" or "bubs". 

i'm so proud to say that jaxton has the sweetest big sisters any little boy could want.  once again i say, i have been blessed.

. our miracle - jaxton's birth story .

here's jaxton's birth story.  beginning to end.  lots of details.  and memories.  it's long, but i wanted to share God's faithfulness, for one, and our blessing.  from the VERY beginning.

most of you may recall that way back, last september, i miscarried.  and we prayed.  you prayed.  then in december, i had a tubal pregnancy that ruptured, requiring emergency surgery to remove the pregnancy and one tube.  and we prayed.  you prayed. 

after a long few months, we found out we were indeed pregnant again.  february 15th to be exact.  that's the day we found out.  our hearts were excited, but our minds were hesitant.  we wondered if this pregnancy would last.  if it would be healthy.  the news came.  the sac was collapsing.  i waited a week to miscarry naturally and it never happened.  the pregnancy symptoms never left.  and we prayed.  you prayed.

that monday, i called my doctor and told him that i would take the pill that would force miscarriage, but i requested one more ultrasound to confirm before we moved forward.  i prepared my heart and my mind.  my exact words to the ultrasound tech were "i'm not planning on seeing anything, but i had to make sure."  her exact words back to me immediately after i saw the little peanut and a little flutter was "there's a baby!  and a heartbeat!"  i saw it.  i saw that little heartbeat with my own eyes.  and i immediately prayed.  she sent me back to the waiting room and rushed off to tell dr. gayle.  "erin's baby has a heartbeat."  he replied "malisa, that's not even funny."  he thought she was joking.  we all saw just the week before that there was nothing there.  between two ultrasounds, the sac was clearly getting smaller and there was nothing inside.  he brought me back into the ultrasound room and performed another ultrasound himself.  there it was.  a little miracle.  a baby that just the week before was not there.  the pregnancy was failing and now there was a healthy heartbeat.  dr. gayle had no words.  he was speechless, which he claimed doesn't happen very often.  i cried and he prayed.  the only explanation he had was "God."  one word.  one Man.  one blessing. 

the pregnancy continued healthy as can be.  i went in weekly.  ultrasound after ultrasound.  dr. gayle and i would just stare in awe of the miracle in front of us on that little screen.  week after week he prayed with me.  week after week the pregnancy continued and the baby grew just as it should. 

in march, i had a gallbladder attack, which would lead to gallbladder surgery in may.  dr. gayle wanted to make sure i was far enough along in the pregnancy to where the baby would go unharmed.  everything went well.  dr. gayle made sure he was there as a colleague of his performed the surgery.  he monitored the baby very closely, prayed again with me, and all went well.  then we found out it was a BOY!  we were beyond excited.  we would have been equally excited for it to be a girl just because we were so thankful that the baby was as healthy as it was.  a boy.  i'm still in shock that God chose to give us a little boy. 

i have to admit that being pregnant is not fun for me.  i do like the look of pregnancy.  the belly.  the attention the belly attracts.  not having to suck in my tummy.  but it makes me not feel well.  makes me tired.  makes my body simply hurt all over.  it was a hard one to get through, but very much worth it.  it was hard on my family.  having two kids at home who still needed me and me just not being able to be the mommy that i wanted to be was so hard.  the remainder of the pregnancy was extra hard.  first of all, it was summer.  the summer heat really isn't fun.  not in texas.  not when you're pregnant.  not at all. 

it was one thing after another.  and just when you thought there could be no more, something else popped up.  dr. gayle's nickname for me quickly became erin "the thrill" hill.  everything that came up were all serious pregnancy concerns.  seemed like everything that could go wrong, did.  and through it all, the baby remained healthy and strong.  and we prayed.  you prayed. 

my hands, feet, and face swelled.  and pretty much remained swollen the last 2 months of the pregnancy.  gestational diabetes came.  i was on a pretty strict diet to control my glucose, in addition to 2 metformin pills daily.  then it was anemia.  i was now on 2 iron supplements daily.  i did test positive for group b strep at some point in there, which would only mean that i'd be on antibiotics while i was in labor to prevent the transfer of infection to the baby.  and i had contractions regularly for several weeks.  not strong.  nothing that i was ever concerned about.  dr. gayle continued to tell me to call him when i had them, but i was determined this time that i was not going to go to the hospital unnecessarily.  when i knew i was in labor, i'd go.

tuesday.  september 18.  that evening i started having contractions.  throughout the pregnancy i had been drinking a good 64-90 ounces of water daily.  it was all i drank.  so when contractions started each time, i would sit down, feet up, with even more water.  i knew i wasn't dehydrated, which can cause lots of people to contract.  these contractions were stronger than they had been before and more frequently.  again, however, i decided to ride them out and not call.  i contracted all night long, but they never really woke me up for too long. 

wednesday.  september 19.  that morning i was continuing to have contractions.  every 4-5 minutes.  lasting about 1-2 minutes long.  and it didn't matter what i did, they didn't stop.  they weren't really hurting, but were definitely stronger than before.  so i decided that i'd actually call dr. gayle.  we took karsyn to school and mykah and i went to my mother-in-law's house to visit.  i had scheduled a cleaning lady to come that day and didn't want to be at home while she was there.  i called dr. gayle and he had me sit down for an hour and time the contractions and then call back.  by 9:00am, the contractions were still about 4-5 minutes apart.  he had me come in to check me and see what was going on.  my blood pressure was high.  in the 150's / 90's high.  he checked me at 1cm and maybe 50% and said that the baby was still up high.  he also tested for protein in my urine which came back at 300 mg.  so, high blood pressure and protein in the urine only meant pre-eclampsia.  his sweet nurse walked me straight down the hall to the hospital to be monitored. 

i couldn't imagine my blood pressure even coming down that day.  my world was just turned upside down.  we hadn't planned for this at all.  i didn't prepare my children for mama being in the hospital that soon and what their lives would look like.  and we prayed. 

that day, i spent being monitored.  they checked my blood pressure every 30 minutes and had tested my protein again.  by that time, my protein had increased.  this only meant an overnight hospital stay and a 24 hour urinalysis to see if the protein count would continue to increase or would decrease while i was on bedrest.  dr. gayle spoke to me about going home to bedrest for the remainder of the pregancy if the protein was under 1g.  he said i would have to be kid-free to keep my blood pressure under control.  how would i do that?  what would our life look like for the next 2 weeks, which was still his goal for the pregnancy.  mykah already wasn't handling mama not being home very well and it was just a day at that point.

thursday.  september 20.  i had told david for about a month now that this would be the day i would deliver.  i don't know why, but that date was stuck in my head.  after 24 hours were up, at about 3:00 pm, dr. gayle walked in.  "we're having a baby."  the protein count went up to 7g, which was MUCH higher than it was supposed to be.  i was now considered pre-eclamptic.  within 10 minutes, i was laying in labor and delivery room 4.  within an hour, dr. gayle had been in, checked me, and put a cervadil tablet at my cervix.  i was still about at 1cm and maybe 70% effaced at this time.  although labor was imminent, he wanted me to labor slowly.  he claimed that this would allow the baby's lungs to get stronger.  that was at about 4:00pm.  dr. gayle ordered strict bed rest.  only to get up to go to the bathroom.  no lights.  no tv.  no phone.  at about 4:30, the contractions were obviously stronger.  i felt them pretty good.  they weren't unbearable at this point, but definitely different.  definitely labor contractions.  the cervadil was working.  i took ambien and tried to get some sleep as i was very unsure of what was to come.  dr. gayle thought i'd labor until at least noon the next day.  i was certain that once pitocin was started, that i'd go faster.  at 11:00pm, the nurse came in and said that dr. gayle called and said to go ahead and start pitocin.  my blood pressure was unstable still and he was ready to get the ball rolling.  the only way for me to keep my blood pressure lower was to lay on my left side, which i tried to do the majority of the time i slept.  the bed was highly uncomfortable though!

at midnight, the nurse came in and checked me.  i was now at 3cm.  i ordered the epidural.  i needed rest.  and the contractions were pretty strong at that point.  if i had the epidural at that time, i'd be able to get the rest i needed to continue labor until noon.  got the epidural.  got more ambien.  and slept like a baby.

friday.  september 21.  little did i know what would happen that day.  or how quickly.  i woke up at 5:00am.  the nurse came and checked my vitals and had me lay on my left side again.  i was starting to be able to feel my feet and legs at this point, so i pushed the little button for more of the epidural medicine.  i did not want to feel anything!  at 6:30am, dr. gayle wanted me to sit straight up in bed with my legs hanging down to help move the baby down into position.  not too long after i sat up, i felt a pop.  the nurse thought the baby kicked because we heard it on the monitor, but i knew it was different.  i felt it.  she laid me back down and i immediately knew that my water had broke.  dr. gayle came in at 6:50am.  he checked me and i was at 5cm.  then it seemed like he just wanted to hang out and see how things were going.  he sat down, watched a little morning news, chit chatted.  he still thought i'd labor longer.  luckily, he had a c-section scheduled at 7:30am so he was still in the hallway when the next set of events would occur.

i laid on my left side again.  and then i felt the pressure.  oh, the pressure!  i was out of doses of drugs to put into my epidural, so they called the anestesiologist to come give me more.  and it was too late.  i rolled back over to my back and the pressure was even greater.  the nurse came over, checked me.  it had only been 10 minutes since she last checked me at this point.  i was at a 10.  in 10 minutes.  and i had to push.  people rushed in.  dr. gayle rushed in.  i had 2 contractions.  2 pushes.  and at 7:02am he was here.  and i felt every bit of it.  in the moment, it was the worst pain i have ever felt.  then it was over.  once i saw him and knew that he was perfect, there was that fleeting moment when the world stops.  i got a quick look, the umbilical cord was clipped, dr. gayle spanked his little bottom to get him crying, then he was taken to the warmer to be stimulated even more.  he didn't want to cry!  those first cries were like music to my ears though.  he was doing so good.  breathing great.

he was able to stay with us long enough to meet his big sisters, grandparents, and aunt mae mae.  the girls were in love.  i have never seen anything sweeter.  by 7:55am, everyone was gone.  my sweet baby was taken to the nursery to be evaluated and my family left.  david and i just sat there.  staring.  "what just happened?"  were the words that came out of my mouth.  it all happened so extremely fast!!

jaxton parker hill.   he was here.  we were so ready.  and now i wasn't so sure.  he was so tiny.  6 pounds.  5 ounces.  and 18 3/4 inches long.  the neonatologist checked him over and over and over and over again.  she came to us three times within those next three days and was just in awe of how perfect he was.  just a little 35 weeker.  healthier than some of the babies in the nursery who were 37 and 38 weeks.  she expected breathing issues.  she expected hip issues.  she expected something.  but he was perfect.  i was in the hospital from wednesday, september 19 through sunday, september 23.  it was a long hospital stay and we were more than ready to be home.

i've spent several days now crying at that perfection that God gave us.  but during the wee hours of the morning sometime this past week, i realized this ....

september 21, 2011 - we miscarried.  we were devastated, but didn't know the journey we'd be on.
september 21, 2012 - we gave birth to the most amazing, perfect little boy.

God's timing is perfect.  His faithfulness is so good.  i've spent most of my days this past week in tears just thinking about it.  the journey that got us to where we are today may have been rough.  there were days where i didn't know how we'd even make it.  but God knew.  He knew the outcome.  and His plan was perfect.  just like my little man.

. 1 week old .

i can hardly believe he's already a week old.  and i can still hardly believe he's so tiny.  and i can still hardly believe he's a he.  so, at 1 week, he ...

*weighs 6 lbs 6 oz
*is about 19 1/2 inches already!
*sleeps a lot, which mama is enjoying while it lasts
*is EXTREMELY laid back.  he never cries, which mama is also enjoying while it lasts.
*still struggles with jaundice.  last night it measured 12.2.  he needs daily sun baths!
*likes his paci.  (more on that later)
*sleeps in his crib.  i sleep on a twin bed in his room for now.
*when he left the hospital, he was eating 1oz of formula every 3 hours.  he's up to 2oz every 4 hours.
*sleeps great at night already.  we make sure he wakes up to eat every 4 hours.
*is on the perfect (for me) schedule.  he eats at 10:00, 2:00, and 6:00 around the clock and on the dot.  that schedule fits our life and our schedule perfectly right now.
*had to go back to the doctor last night because i was concerned about his breathing.  little man likes to hold his breath and make his nose and mouth turn blue.  scares mama!  i have to blow in his face to make him gasp to breathe again.  and apparently this is "normal premie behavior."  
*has dark eyes!  we thought they were blue in the hospital, but now i'm not so sure.  they're almost black.
*is still perfect in every way.

. james 1:17 .

"every good and perfect gift comes from above."  

james 1:17

i'm still in awe at this little miracle God has blessed us with.  september 21, 2011 was when i miscarried last year.  it was the start of what would be a journey i will never forget.  the story of this sweet little miracle.  that story came full circle on september 21, 2012 when jaxton arrived.  5 weeks early.  but what was obviously God's plan all along.  the steps of this journey were hard at times.  joyous at times.  but always a blessing, no matter what the obstacle my body went through, it was all in perfect timing.  just as james 1:17 says.  my little man came from above.  and i thank the Lord every single day for him.

. yellow baby .

when we were discharged from the hospital on sunday, my little man's bilirubin checked out at 8.2.  they wanted us to schedule an appointment with the pediatrician the very next day just for a check up.  as soon as we walked in, the nurse said "he's very jaundice!"  i hadn't noticed his skin being too yellow until she said that.  she immediately checked his bili level, which came out at 15.3!  the doctor said that was "right at hospitalization level" and we'd have to go get his blood checked as soon as we left.  he wrote up a lab slip, and on we went.  he said sometimes the blood work can come back 2 points higher or 2 points lower than their monitor.  he ordered us to get the blood drawn, then to go home and prepare for a hospital stay.  my heart sank!  i had just been in the hospital for 5 days.  and i absolutely didn't want to go back.  i prayed that his bili level would decrease, but obviously would do what i had to do if they didn't.

we waited a long hour and a half to hear the results.  and they were good.  praise the LORD!  so this is what we did that afternoon ...

 
my little yellow man got to bathe in the sun!  and apparently it helped a little.  the next day, we had to go back for more blood work and his bili level had decreased even more. 

now that i look at him in pictures, he was pretty yellow!  but i'm so very thankful that he is healthy as can be.

. family of FIVE .

i'm still in shock.  i can hardly believe that i have 3 kids.  that God blessed us with 3 children.  to love.  to teach.  to grow.  and, at this very moment, all i wish for is that time would stand still and they would stay little forever.  it's rough on a mama's heart to see her children grow up so fast, but what a joy it is to see them live.  to see them learn.  to see them love and laugh.  and God has allowed me to travel this road three times.  i'm so in love.

. a letter to my son .

oh, sweet boy.  
mama did wonder how i could love another, as most moms do when a new baby is due to arrive.  that love that i have for your sisters has certainly stretched to love you the same.  i will never forget the first time your eyes met mine.  i felt it.  that bond that everyone tells me about.  the one between a mother and son.  it's there for sure.  and my heart melts just thinking about how my love for you will continue to grow.  the last year has been a wild ride, but you were more than worth it.  i feel like God took us on this journey just so He could bring you into this world to our family at just the right time.  and perfect timing it was.  

i can hardly believe how tiny you are.  and how little your features are.  the tiniest ears, nose, and mouth ever.  and sweet as can be.  and although mama knows nothing about raising boys, i'm so thankful you are the boy i get to raise, love, teach, and grow.  my prayers is that God has equipped me to be the best mama you could ever hope for.  that you would learn about the love of God right away and how truly and richly blessed you are.  you are our miracle.  our baby that we thought we weren't going to have.  and here you are.  our perfect gift from above.  

i love you, little man.
xoxo mama