Purse Problems

Just in case you're wondering, Kid3 woke up feeling great today.  Thank you, Jesus.  No more throw up and asked to eat as soon as his feet hit the floor.

So, this happened last week ...

Contents :  diapers/wipes are in the big aqua bag.  nail clippers, band-aids, brush, hair bands, who knows what else is in the orange bag.  snacks are in one of the small linen bags.  dinosaurs are in the other.  Jaxton's forks and spoons are in the shark bag. and all of the essential oils I have to have at all times are in the chevron bag.  lip balm. gum.  thieves hand sanitizer. and more baby wipes.  you can never have too many baby wipes.

I was so tired of the purse I had been carrying around for what seems like the last 10 years, that I dumped the contents of it all over my dryer and just left it.  For days.  I only carried around my wallet and, of course, my Carmex.  That was it.  I was so over it.  You know, the big tote / purse / bag / throw-all-your-stuff-in-and-never-find-it-when-you-need-it.  Happens all the time to me.

And how do I lose stuff when I have it all in smaller bags inside my big bag?  I don't even know what happens, but I was OVER. IT.

What's even dumber than me dumping the entire contents of my purse all over the dryer?  It sat here for a few days, then I put it ALL. BACK. IN.  All to carry around the dumb thing again.

Please tell me I'm not the only one who has never found the perfect purse.  If so, you are obligated now to share it with me.

He delights in every detail

I shared this verse on my business Facebook page on Sunday.  It's a verse that God placed on my heart recently and I didn't understand why He kept bringing it to my attention at first.  Don't you love it when He does that?  I've thought to myself (and Him) countless times - WHY?  Why in the world did you put that on my heart?  What do you want me to learn from this?  What are you trying to tell me?   Sometimes the reasons are quite obvious though.

I struggle greatly with comparison.  I struggle with making decisions.  I struggle with what I want.  What is best.  But it all boils down to comparison.  And we all know that comparison is the thief of joy.  To be truly happy, you can't compare yourself to others.  I know this, but it's something I fight with on a daily basis.

Look at her.  Her skin is amazing.  She has a great body for having 3 (or 8) kids.  Her house is always clean.  I wish I could be her friend.  I like her blog better.  They have so much more money.  Her kids are always dressed cute.  Everyone likes her so much.  I wish I was as crafty as ... I wish I could refinish furniture like ... I wish people knew who I was.  It would be so cool to be a famous blogger.  It would be great to have more than 200 likes on my page.  To be an amazing photographer.  To have 2,000 people in my downline.

In my head, what I have is never good enough.   I'm never as beautiful, wealthy, creative, hip, trendy, funny, social, healthy, smart, and so on.  and so on.  and so on.  For years I've dealt with this.  And I believe so many women do. 

I want to be ME.  I want people to like me for ME.  I want to be original.  Be myself.  Feel comfortable in my own skin.  Be who He created, because He knows every detail.  He planned every detail.  He made me ME. 

It's not about an awesome blog that gets 10,000 hits a day or a Facebook page that has 1,000 likes.  It's not about impressing someone so she'll want to be your friend.  It's not about any of that.  It's about loving me for who I am and not being afraid of showing people ME.  Because God loves me for me.  And that's enough. 

Day 68

Day 63

Day 58

I never post pictures of myself!  Ever ever.  This day was finally sunny outside and I can't even remember when I last wore sunglasses.  You see, I realized a few months ago that I couldn't see.  Like, I can see, but pretty much everything is blurry.  My brilliant husband said "maybe you should try wearing your glasses."  Yep, I have had glasses for a while and never wear them.  I didn't think I needed them, but my vision has gotten much worse in the last year.  I think pregnancy does that to you!  So, the glasses are plastered to my face all day, everyday.  And I hate it.  I have tried contacts and I just can't seem to be okay with sticking my finger in my eye, however, after wearing glasses for a few months, I think I can give contacts a try again.  I'll be going to the eye doctor very soon. 

This sunny day was a day that I had been done with my glasses.  I needed to sport my shades!  And I went all day not being able to see AND driving.  I'm a smart girl, huh.  Thankfully, I was able to realize that no one was safe, so I put the glasses back on.  You're welcome.

Day 57

I sent this picture to the BFF and it made me realize a few things ...
1.  I hate Texas weather.  That day I was outside in shorts & flip flops and yesterday we were bundled in hoodies and gloves.  Today, it's raining and tomorrow is supposed to be warm again.  So dumb.
2.  I should probably start doing squats. 
3.  I should spend more time outside.  Those are some WHITE legs.  Actually, I've finally decided that it's okay to have no color on my legs.  I spent years tanning or letting myself get sunburned, that my skin is paying for it now.  It took until I was 32 though.  The sun is so damaging and, although I have always known that, I just wanted a nice tan.  It's so not worth it now.  I'll be the girl in the shade, extra white from sunscreen, and a big ol' hat on at the pool this summer.  And so will my kids.
4.  I have a pretty lame life to be texting pictures of my legs and feet to the BFF. 

One Hot Mess

I'm actually talking about myself this time.  One hot mess, I am.  Sometimes I do feel like I have it all together and, if you follow me on social media sites, I may seem like I have it all together more times than not.  Why is it so easy to portray myself in such a false sense to so many people?  With just a click of a button, I am skinny.  I have clear skin.  I feed my family clean meals all day every day.  We are wealthy.  We are the perfect family of 5. 

So not so. 

A few friends recently inspired me to just be honest.  Brutally honest.  { #keepingitrealwednesday is the hashtag for you cool techie people.}  To let people get to now the REAL me.  Through the flaws, the blemishes, the oily hair, the 2 day old pajamas, the paycheck to paycheck weeks we have.  Just be true.  Do you know how hard that can be?  I hesitated at first.  Why would I want them to see my flaws?  But I dove in.  Not only did I post a picture of my blemish-filled face and my un-pedicured (yes, that is now a word) toes, but I also let it all out there that I am not always nice to my husband, that I've gained 15 lbs after my very public success with weight loss, and that I never clean my house. 

This process of being honest has actually helped me tremendously.  Now I analyze every stupid little thing I do and wonder what your reactions would be if I were to post what I was doing at the time.  Like "I just ate a whole package of oreos."  or "there was mold on the bottom side of our toilet seat" {the last one really happened.  trust me, i was embarrassed and i thoroughly cleaned the whole bathroom after that}.  or "I let my children drink sodas just as much as I drink them."  Talk about punching myself in the face? 

Sometimes being real is hard.  Sometimes it sucks.  Sometimes the truth you get back in response to your honesty is tough.  But, so far, it's been worth it.  I like being completely honest.  I like being real to everyone who follows me.  Now, to work on being real to myself.  {that's another post for another day}.  To keep it really real, I'm going to post 5 more things that are real ...

1.  My evening routine consists of putting my children to bed, usually before 7:30 and making a bee-line for my recliner.  And I sit.  Until I can barely keep my eyes open.  Then I drag myself to bed.  Without a shower.  Sometimes without brushing my teeth (how gross!!!). 

2.  My weakness is snacks.  Crackers.  Cookies.  You name it.  So, to prevent myself from going overboard with snacking, I don't buy them.  Or I buy what I don't like.  Seriously.  I can open a box of Nilla Wafers and eat the entire box in one sitting.

3.  I'm the mom who wipes a kids runny nose on their shirt, unless there is a kleenex within reach, obviously. 

4.  I hate to cook.  Hate it.  We eat out a whole lot more than I ever thought we would.  BUT, I will high five myself for only eating out 1 meal last week.  The weekends are always worse.

5.  I seldom clean my kitchen before I go to bed.  It's a bad routine and I am trying to change it.  There's not much that I don't lose sleep over, actually.

My Journey

I wanted to jump right out there and share with you where I've been, as well as where I am now.  It's been a journey for sure.  Most of you probably already know where I've been, but here's a picture to show you from September 2012 to about March 2013.

I went from baby in belly, to dropping 50 lbs in a matter of months.  I was going strong.  I was motivated.  AdvoCare had helped me and I was so proud of my accomplishments.  My lowest weight at that point was 188 lbs.  Yep.  I was 238 lbs when I delivered Jaxton.  I knew I weighed a lot, but had no clue I was to the point where I needed to lose 50 lbs.  And more.  Yep, I need to lose 50 more pounds to be where I need to be.  How in the world had I let myself get to where I NEEDED to down 100 pounds? 

Summer came.  My mother-in-law was sick and in a hospital 3 hours away, which took my husband away most days.  I was also taking 2 online classes for my nursing degree, plus doing all of my duties at home and raising 3 kids.  To say I was stressed would be the understatement of the year.  I gained 15 pounds back by the end of August and was back up to 203.  I hovered back and forth at that weight for another month. 

Here's the trend I had set for myself.  I do good all week long.  I'd lose 3-4 pounds, then overeat on weekends, putting me back up to where I was.  It was a vicious cycle that I still struggle with.  Now, my father-in-law is in hospice care and I refuse to let stress eating get me again. 

Here are my stats as of today ....

SW (starting weight) - 238 lbs
LW (lowest weight) - 188 lbs
GW (goal weight) - 145-150 lbs
CW (current weight) - 194.5 lbs

 There it is, for all the world to see.  Mentally, I'm there.  I'm on track.  I'm eating healthy, taking my AdvoCare supplements, drinking my water, and I'm focused.

How do you combat stress eating?  Share some of your tips!!!

120/365

it was a happy day.  busy.  but happy.  and my afternoon was extra happy.  not only did i make myself a fruit punch spark in a mason jar, but i also received my AdvoCare paycheck AND happy mail from a sweet friend.  happy.  happy.  happy.

106/365

my life has been ridiculously crazy.  i can't keep up.  i tried using the calendar on my phone and couldn't keep up with it.  i have a dry erase calendar over my computer and would still forget things or forget to erase cancelled things, then show up anyway.  it happened.  a lot.  so i ordered this beauty.  i've had one before and loved it, so i knew it'd be the perfect solution for me.  it's an erin condren life planner.  and i love it.  i take it with me everywhere i go.  life. organized.

86/365

sugar is not good for you.  period.  and i've done so good without it.  but lately, i have craved sweet tea.  and there's no better, truer, more southern sweet tea without pure, white sugar.  i think i've made 2 pitchers now and they certainly don't last.  but my sugar jar is almost out.  and i will not be buying more.  that's the only way i can break the habit.

64/365

i have an issue with snacks.  with snacking.  and with crackers.  crackers, pretzels, chips.  anything salty.  BUT, i'm also trying to be healthy and make healthy choices.  i found these delicious treats.  i seriously could eat the whole bag in one sitting.  therefore, i won't buy them again.  because they're that good.  and i have no self control.

53/365

28/365

the perfect birthday present.  from my girls.  i'm LOVING having fresh flowers in my window sill.  not so sure the mister would agree.  i've NEVER been a flower person.  they die way too quickly for me to spend the money on them.  but they just do something to the room.  they make me happy!

. 29/365 .

how fabulous is this fan that the BFF got me for my birthday?!?  i'm not that great of a gift buyer, so i always feel guilty when she buys me amazing gifts like this.  this fan is super cute.  and it's me.  and she knew that.  that's what i love about her.  it's not only the gifts she buys, but it's mainly that she thought of me when she saw it and knew i had to have it.  it's perfect.

. 28/365 .

it's my birthday!!!  i really really really need to post an update about my 30 acts of kindness that i did.  i really want to take time on it though, so this will be a quick birthday post.  ok, maybe not so quick.  i have lots to say.  in addition to the BFF and her family surprising me, my parents also came and surprised me.  they watched all the kids today so my mister and i and the BFF and her hubby could go to houston for the day.  we were so very thankful for them!  the mother-in-law came and helped out and, from what we heard, all went well.  the kids love to play with them and i can't even say how thankful we are that they would do that for us. 

off to houston we went.  and the first place we hit up was crave.  the cupcake place.  it was 11:00 and considered brunch for us.  and the cupcakes were AMAZING. 

after that we headed to some shopping center and then to the galleria.  we ate lunch at ninfa's and walked the mall.  just having adult time and going shopping without small children was the best birthday gift ever.  one last stop by the cupcake place to get a dozen to go and we were headed home.  it was so much fun, but we were EXHAUSTED!!!! 

what a fun birthday it was!!  i'm so very thankful for all of my friends who sent emails, texts, and facebook messages.  the Lord has definitely blessed me with amazing friends and family.  here's to the next thirty years ...

. 27/365 .

LOOK WHO CAME TO SEE ME FOR MY BIRTHDAY!  can someone please tell me why pictures uploaded from my cell phone never turn the right way even though i edited it the right way?!?  it. makes. me. CRAZY! 

so, yesterday during naptime, the BFF and her sweet little family drove up.  i was SO surprised!!!  i'm so very thankful to have such an amazing best friend.  and her family is just a sweet bonus! 

the extra surprise?  the BFF and her 2 kiddos are staying with me for a whole week.  her hubby will go home sunday, and they'll stay.  for a week!  it should be a blast!!!!!!! 

i'm so blessed.  apparently my whole family and a few sneaky friends knew this.  :) 

. health update .

i wanted to update real quick on myself.  i haven't done that in a while and want record of what all has gone on.  without going into too many details, but just enough where i'll remember years down the road and i look back. 

two weeks ago, my doctor's office called with my test results.  the nurse said that everything look great, but that i had a blood disorder called protein s deficiency and that this disorder was, most likely, causing my miscarriages.  i'm not good with medical details, but i do know that PSD has to do with blood clotting too much.  there's lots of information on it and i'm now on extra doses of folic acid each day in case i do get pregnant again.  {LORD willing.}  also, there's a chance that, if i do get pregnant, i could have to give myself shots of blood thinners daily.  i would definitely be a high risk pregnancy, so it's a lot for us to think about and pray about.  thankfull, i've had a few friends sending me messages about PSD and how they have or have had it with their pregnancies and all has turned out great.

today, i went in for a scheduled HSG test.  i had to check into radiology and wait forever.  once i was finally taken back, i was stripped, robbed, and sat on a cold metal table.  no kidding.  have you ever sat naked on a metal table?  it's not pleasant.  and i'll leave it at that.  without too many more details, the radiologist injected dye into my uterus and into the one fallopian tube i have left.  he took pictures of the dye making it's way through and watched for abnormalities and/or blockages.  he said that the dye going through the tube was delayed a little, but it finally went all the way.  they watch to make sure the dye empties out the other end of the tube, which tells them that the tube is all clear.  he said that there may have been a small blockage, but the dye pushed through that.  he also said that sometimes women are more fertile after the HSG test because the dye tends to "clean you out".  the test only lasted about 15 minutes and he immediately showed us the pictures and gave us the green light.  he said all was well.  and that was music to my ears.  i was nervous all day.  i didn't eat.  i kept myself busy.  so to hear that everything was great, was an amazing end to the afternoon.  {thank you JESUS!} 

that's it.  hopefully this is the last post about this stuff that i'll have for you.  no more tests.  no more bad news.  i keep praying!!  and THANK YOU for all of your prayers too!

. these days .

maybe it's 'cause i'm about to be the big THREE-OH?!  like i'm really an adult now?  i dunno.  but it's working me over big time.  i've been a mom now for 5 years.  i've owned a house now for 5 years as well.  but making it my home instead of my house?  being a good housewife?  feeding my children and husband healthy (and edible) meals daily?  keeping my house clean?  doing the laundry at a reasonable rate?  it's all stuff i've struggled with for all of those 5 years.  it's stuff that i do (when i feel like it), but definitely a source of stress for me. 

you probably think that my house is clean.  you probably think that i have a list and a schedule for cleaning and a daily to-do list and that i keep up with.  you probably think my house stays clean.  why?  because i'm home every single day.  i don't go anywhere from the time i wake up to about 5:30pm if i do choose or need to go anywhere that day. 

reality is that i take care of at least 5 children daily.  from 7:30 am to 5:30 pm.  and then it continues with my own two littles until they go to bed.  my life is taking care of these children.  i play with them, teach them, and take care of them all day long.  they do have their free time when i clean up after meals, but it's constant until they fall asleep at 1:00.  then, i sit.  that's my life.  and i do love taking care of kids.  i certainly feel like that's where God has called me at this stage of the game.  it's my job.  it's what i do.  it supports my family and allows me sweet time with my own two.  it couldn't get much better. 

i'm not complaining about that at all.  i just don't like that i get behind.  i get behind with laundry and cleaning.  so i freeze.  it's almost paralyzing to look around and see all that needs to be done.  so i sit.  and do nothing.  and get even more behind.  and it simply makes me crazy.  and it all starts over the next day.  there are moments when i think about it and allow myself the thought that i'm not the only mom who feels this way.  surely i'm not the laziest person on the planet.  i'm not on hoarders, for goodness sake.  and my house isn't a complete wreck.  it's dirty though.  i'll say that. 

people tell me all the time ... it's ok.  the time you spend with your kids is more important.  it's ok.  you have a million kids in your house.  it's ok.  you'll have time for that later.  it's ok.  you're busy.  and i'm a little tired of hearing that. it's not ok.  i do have time.  it's not like we're stretched in 20 different directions and i work outside the home.  it's not like i have 10 kids of my own.  heaven help me.  my kids go to bed and from 8:00pm until 11:00pm i sit.  and i do nothing.  seriously.  every day of my life.  sometimes there are cookies involved.  and as much as i am a person of change.  as much as i love schedules and lists.  i'm paralyzed.  i'm in this state of not doing anything because there's so much to do.  and every monday is the day i'm going to fix it all.  and by tuesday it's all hopeless once again. 

finding that balance is HARD people!!!  i don't have it all together and i'm not sure if i ever will.  until then, my kids will keep repeating "does it make you crazy, mama?"  i don't want my children to think of me as the mom who always cleaned.  i don't want my children to constantly hear that i can't come play because of i have to clean.  i do keep those separate.  it's making the most of my time when children are busy or asleep to get 'er done.  maybe that needs to be my motto ... get 'er done.  i'm a little redneck at times, so it'll work.

get 'er done.

. do not worry .

yesterday, the first verse i read was philippians 4:6-7 where it says "don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. tell God what you need and thank Him for all He has done. then you will experience God's peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." 

the VERY first thing i read that morning.  i wish i had paid attention then to know that God was actually trying to get my attention with that very verse.  later that day i would receive an EOB from my insurance company that followed suit with the bill i got from my doctor's office the day before.  it explained, not too clearly, that my doctor is out-of-network.  basically i would have to pay $181 every time i had an office visit and ultrasound. 

to say that i was stressed would be an understatement.  i cried.  not only can i afford to pay $181 for one appointment, much less every appointment i go to, but i certainly didn't want to find a new doctor.  this one is amazing.  he is kind and considerate.  he's delivered one of my babies.  he's delivered the news about a miscarraige and more news about a tubal pregnancy of twins.  he's made sure i was ok physically, but emotionally as well.  he knows me.  he knows my body.  how could i just go to someone new.  it stressed me out.  i know doctor's are replaceable.  but i have history with this one and flat out didn't want to find someone new.  my mind was all over the place. 

i went to bed just after being reminded by a sweet friend of that verse that i had read that morning.  she basically told me that i posted that verse on facebook.  i shared it with the world.  and now i'm not believing it.  i took tylenol pm (which helped briefly) to get me to sleep because i knew without it, i wouldn't fall asleep for a while. 

this morning.  i called my doctor.  i anticipated the call for hours.  i just knew they would tell me that they were sorry, but he IS out-of-network and that'd i'd have to figure it out.  the words out of her mouth were "it's a mistake.  it's on bluecross blueshield's end and we are working to fix it.  don't WORRY about it at all."  PRAISE THE LORD!  i'm pretty sure i jumped up and down.  i called my mom.  those two very things, in that order.  as i headed to let my friend know on facebook, it hit me.  God was trying to tell me all along that something would come my way and that i was to not worry about it at all.  He had it.  He knew what would happen.  He knew how i'd react.  He was telling me all along.  What an awesome God that is.  if i had only listened to His plea to me, i would have saved myself lots of diet coke, popcorn, tears, knee bouncing, and stress last night.  if only i had listened.