. new year .

i live for new beginnings.  i live for fresh starts.  for the brand new car smell.  the fresh cleaned towels and white sheets.  i have a crush on freshly shaven legs (because that doesn't happen near as often as it should sometimes).  fresh. clean. new. from the beginning.  it's what i love.  why do you think nearly all the furniture in my house is white?  i love clean!  and for the new year, i'm ready for a clean start. 

i have the usual goals.  lose weight.  read my bible more.  go to church every week.  be a better meal planner.  {yada yada yada.  blah blah blah.}  but what pulls at my heart strings the most this time?  what consumed my thoughts today and will for a number of days to come?  my kids.  my sweet girls. 

karsyn just turned 4.  mykah will be 2 in less than two weeks.  where has the time gone?  and from what i have read on several other blogs today, the favorite theme on "new years goals" seems to be to slow down.  to take time to live in the moment.  to cherish the small things.  apparently i'm not the only one who feels like time is slipping right between my hands. 

this year my plan is to truly live for the moments.  to be less of a stickler in my ocd tendencies.  to not care if the girls are in bed right at 7:30.  if they want to read one more book, lets read one more book, even if it takes bedtime to 7:40.  i know the day will come when they won't want me to read to them anymore.  i know the day will come when they won't want butterfly kisses when we're putting on pajamas. 

and traditions?  we don't have many, but i LOVE traditions.  so this year we are coming up with traditions for every little thing.  i'm going to document it all so i remember year to year what we do.  i want to make a big deal out of every holiday.  i want to S.L.O.W down, breath, and take in every sound, every sight, every feeling of every moment that i can. 

i love this moment our family is in right now and i simply cannot wait to see where He takes us this next year.

. seasons .

i really like that there are seasons of life.  i most definitely don't always like the season that i am in at the time, but sometimes i love it and don't want it to change.  right now i'm in a season that i cannot wait to get out of.  this past week i've been stuck in a rut and am trying to peel myself out and doing so in whatever way i possibly can.  i've missed some sleep.  i've missed some meals.  but life goes on. 

i'm typing this because i am a real person.  i didn't want to.  i didn't want the parents of the children i take care of in my home to think that i'm a crazy person.  i'm not crazy.  i'm human.  just like all humans make mistakes, all humans have struggles.  all humans deal with life in their own ways.  so, yes, i struggle.  but in the same note, i try my hardest to not let my struggles, my grumpiness, or whatever it may be to interfere with the lives of my children, whether they be my own or the 4 others that i get to love on every day.  sometimes i fight the frown through the smile.  ever heard the saying "fake it till you feel it"?  that's what i've lived by the last week.  i'm just in a fog.  just in a pit that i know i'll get out of in a matter of time. 

my ruts typically come about because i stay home.  i stay home all day, every day.  every single day, monday through friday.  if you don't know what that's like, try it and see how you feel by friday.  if i don't take care of myself, take one night a week to just go out with a friend, or have "me" time, satan uses that to drag me down.  and he drags me down fast.  this rut that i am in is a little different, but i know that the same changes will effect my mood, my patience, and my overall health just the same.  tomorrow i have a day off.  and i'm looking forward to it.  i do absolutely love my job.  absolutely.  i have been so extremely blessed to have this opportunity to take care of other babies in my home.  but everyone needs a break at some point.  and the "me" time comes when i make time for it.  having friends has been key for me.  just finding someone who will pray with me, laugh with me, talk to me, and know what i need. 

if you are a stay-at-home mom, you know about ruts.  and we all get out of our ruts in our own ways.  but i take one day at a time.  one hour at a time sometimes.  and with prayer and the right words, it'll happen.  the next seasons of my life is sure to be great.

{ it's a whirlwind }

do you ever just know that you have been a little too distant from God than you should be?  it just feels so obvious and hits you all at once?  that's been my life lately.  and it shows.   i try too hard to make others happy.  to make friends.  to gain attention.  to keep my house spotless.  instead of just living. 

sometimes life can get so busy.  almost too busy and i end up feeling like i'm in a tornado; picking up pieces of my life as i'm tossed and turned about.  usually, while circling, i frantically attempt to organize those pieces as i fly by in hopes that everything just happens with ease.

this is all with only one child who isn't yet involved in every activity under the sun.  usually when life gets like that and after i've tried to fix it all on my own, i call out to God.  He's always right there, if i'd simply shield the wind to see.  He's in the eye of that storm, where the peace is.  sometimes i wish i could just stop and ride the winds that lead me to that peaceful place.  it's about being quiet and still and talking to Him.  for me though, that's been the last thing i think about.  i tend to go through all of the emotions and reactions before i finally get there.

why is it that we try to fight those storms on our own when we know exactly where He's at the whole time?  ecclesiastes 4:6 says "better is a hand full, with quietness, than two handfulls with labor and striving after wind." 

i always know that God has it all planned out and is at the center of the storms.  i need to learn to put my control, OCD-ness, perfectionism, and stubborness aside and ride the winds of that well-trodden path straight to Him every time. 

peace.

{ my cinderella }

there are a few songs out now referring to daddy's little girl as "cinderella".  i like to think of my baby as cinderella.  sometimes she can be the ugly step-sister, but cinderella she is.  and she's growing up so fast.

here's my favorite cinderella song so far ...

http://www.stevencurtischapman.com/thismoment.htm

oh to think what our future holds with her.  exciting, scarey, breath-taking, and heart wrenching all at the same time.  hopefully she doesn't remember ALL that we've done to her so far, but it's those memories that will also last a lifetime. 

now if i could just teach her to clean.  :)