. post-op update .

so, i wanted to update again, mainly so i have these words to remember later on.  i've been overwhelmed with the support from friends who have gone through similar situations in the past.  the number of people praying has been amazing.  the meals that friends have brought have been delicious.  i'm so thankful for the friends God has brought to us at this time.

last night was baby caroline's memorial service.  honestly, i dreaded it all day.  i was so very excited to be able to see my friend and to be able to hug her neck and to be there to support her, but the thought of being at a memorial for a precious baby just sent my stomach and my head into a tailspin.  i did nothing all day.  i never moved from the recliner until it was time to go get ready to leave.  the service was so beautiful.  the songs they chose were a great reminder that only God can get us through these times and that there is hope.  i sat in a fog most of the service, but cried the entire time.  it's so hard to describe how i felt, as it was one of the hardest things i've ever done.  part of me felt so selfish to be hurting for myself while at a service for a baby who was named, held, and loved by so many.  but part of me still felt that it was ok for me to still be grieving my loss.  the emotions of the whole evening are really indescribable.

this morning i had a post-op appointment with my doctor.  he did an ultrasound and we had a really good talk.  physically everthing looks great.  his exact words were "if it's going to happen, it's going to happen to you."  not only was it a twin pregnancy, but he said he had never seen a tubal pregnancy like this end with a ruptured tube.  he said my hcg levels were so low (1498) that the injections should have worked just fine.  he said he treated another woman just 6 weeks ago whose levels were in the 10,000 range and the injections worked perfectly, so for my levels to be so low or for it to be "such a small pregnancy", as he said, and still end in a ruptured tube was almost unheard of.  he also explained what all happened and showed us pictures from during the surgery.  the pictures were crazy!  he said that the tube wasn't bleeding into the uterus, it was bleeding into my abdomen, so emergency surgery was definitely necessary.  my doctor was unable to perform the surgery since he was out of town.  he did mention.  "i haven't been out of town in 2 months, and the one time i left, this would happen."  i'm so very thankful that i have such a caring doctor and that his on-call doctor was just as caring and considerate.  they speak very highly of each other, which is always comforting. 

i go back in 2 weeks to start hormone testing and testing to figure out why this happened.  and we'll go from there.  i have another week to take it easy, although the girls will be back and my rest time will be a little different.  we go to my parents house tomorrow for karsyn's birthday and then for Christmas.  once again, i'm so very thankful for such amazing people in my life.  the emotional part of this is hard.  i do struggle.  i pretend that all is fine really well, but the reality is that it's hard.  it's hard to think that i got pregnant and birthed 2 babies without a major struggle.  now, twice, with 3 babies, something has gone wrong.  that's what worries me and discourages me quickly.  BUT, as the pastor said in his message last night at caroline's service, there IS hope.  and that's what keeps me going.