. today's sermon .

this morning at church was the first sunday our preacher was back after having a heart attack.  i prayed before we even left for church this morning that God would speak to me.  i prayed that whatever He had put in the preacher's heart to say, would directly impact me and somehow comfort me.  i needed counseling directly from God.  you know when you are listening to a sermon and God pretty much smacks you in the face?  you feel like the only one in the room and that the preacher is speaking directly to you?  that's how i felt this morning as he spoke.  i was in awe.  i had a hard time holding back the tears, although i did cry towards the end, as he spoke of trials and the ways God restores joy in your life during these trials you may have.  the first way was that He completely takes the trial out of your life.  the second way is what hit me.  he said that God will enable you to adapt to the trial you are facing in order to magnify His power in your life.  that's where i am.  smack dab in the middle.  although i haven't quite figured out how to show His power through my issues that i'm currently facing, i do know that He has put me in this place for a reason.  He is wanting me to trust Him in every way possible because this trial is not going away.  losing babies is something that i'll struggle with for a long time.  forever, most likely.  so how can i use my trials to magnify Him?!  that's what i'm seeking.  that's what i'm hoping to learn as i seek Him even more.

when i first found out about the tubal pregnancy, i never prayed.  i didn't seek out God's comfort right away.  i grieved first.  it may have been a little selfish to do, but i think it's natural.  i don't think i acted out of the ordinary at all.  i've grieved.  i have days where i still grieve.  today was a grieving day.  i sit on the front row of a walkway at church, so everyone that sits on that side pretty much has to walk in front of me to get to their seats.  i can't even tell you how many pregnant women i saw.  this afternoon i ventured out by myself to target.  that place was covered in pregnant women.  my heart sank.  but i was continually reminded that i didn't accidentally miscarry those babies.  i didn't accidentally come to this point in my life.  He placed me here.  He doesn't necessarily like the trials that i face, but He knows that my heart is with Him.  and, today, that's where my comfort is.  that's where my peace is.  i'm so very thanful for our preacher.  i'm so very thankful that God used him today of all days to speak to me.  it was the counseling that i needed.  it was a great reminder that He IS here and that all is well.