. 10 on tuesday .

{fyi ... i need to find a new picture for this post.  i'm so over the last one, even though her toes are just scrumptiously chubby}

here goes.  10 random things.

1.  confession.  i'm a grey's anatomy junkie.  i'm watching a taping as i'm typing and trying to talk sense into the characters.  "mcdreamy ... you HAVE to choose meredith.  you just HAVE to."  "george, just tell her how you feel already, ya sissy."  (obviously i'm on season 2) 

2.  i am a buttercream frosting snob.  i bought plain old vanilla and it just doesn't compare.  i did buy some cream cheese frosting and took about 10 licks.  surely that's an addict talking.  (oh, and the frosting was for some cupcakes i have yet to make)

3.  i never wear a watch.  never have.  never will.  i've tried.  i feel so restrained when i have anything on my arms.  i know ... weird.

4.  one of my favorite blogs to read is mckmama.  no, not only because her favorite color is orange.  that is only a plus and would make us true friends if we ever met.

5.  i am currently working on a more professional looking photography website.  not a blog.  a website.  ain't that somethin'?

6.  i have no orange flowers on my porch like some of my sweet friends do.  yes, i am jealous. 

7.  i have fed my child breakfast for dinner twice this week.  WHAT?!?  she likes it.  and she eats it well. 

8.  i so wish i could be a runner.  a true get-up-every-morning-and-run-outside-for-10-miles runner.  for one, i'm fat and out of shape.  two, i don't know that my ankles could handle the pounding.  i can dream, right?

9.  sweet baby sucks her thumb and i LOVE it.  i know, i know.  i'll deal with that later.

10. i go to target way too much.  nothing new, huh?  i seriously go there way before ever even thinking about stepping foot into walmart.  there's something about our walmart that makes me want to stick something in my eye. 

. letter to baby .

dear sweet baby,

 

mommy is so proud of you, big girl.  you've been able to stand, holding on, for a while now.  about a month to be exact.  that's pretty much how you spend your days.  standing by whatever you can pull yourself up to.  but, i must remind you that you do not yet know how to walk.  so letting go probably isn't your best option for when you do let go you fall flat on your cute little face and bust your lip open.  

so please.  pretty please.  don't let go just yet.  not only do you make your sweet little lips bleed, you make mommy nervous and sad.  i know you are ready to chase after sister, but i'm not ready for you to.  please, just be a baby for a little while longer.

thanks.

xoxo  mommy

 

. i {heart} sissy .

 

 

. decisions, decisions .

my mind doesn't handle decision-making well.  it's very stressful for me and puts me in a tizzy.  especially if they are BIG decisions.  i've been struggling with one of those BIG ones lately, but i have to start the story from the very beginning.  and, know that it makes me really sad to share this, but it's my heart right now. 

before we had children, MY plan was always to have a baby and go back to work.  always.  without a doubt.  and millions of moms do it and it works for them.  once i laid eyes on that sweet baby laying before me, everything changed.  i did go back to work for a few short months, but the desire for me to be home with her was so strong i could not ignore it any longer. 

due to very poor planning on our part, going from a two income house down to a one income house was VERY difficult, especially since that one income was that of a teacher.  but we had to make it work.  this was how our family was supposed to be.  this is what God had called me to do at this point in my life.  the second child came and there still was no question that i would be home taking care of our babes.  in fact, the plan has always been to stay home until they all start school.  (and i say all VERY loosely, as i'm not 100% sure we are done having children at this point).

recently, the financial struggle for our family has grown even more as, obviously, it costs more to raise more children.  it costs more to put 2 kids in mother's day out.  and, for the record, i work mother's day out so my children can attend.  our goal is to be able to move to a better location for our children to attend school when the time comes.  well, the time is coming sooner and sooner every day.  we have lots of work ahead, but things will not get paid off and money will not be in savings when we can barely pay bills and buy groceries each month.  and there's not an abundance of jobs out there for stay at home moms.

so, what's a girl to do?  it's breaks my heart to think of putting the girls in daycare for someone else to take care of.  i don't want that to be an option, but at this point it is.  we've set a budget.  we use coupons.  we cut things out like hair cuts and pedicures.   

i'm not sure where God is leading us at this point.  it's taking lots of prayer.  lots and lots of prayer.

. at the end of the day .

today was a rough day for us.  so rough that when my favorite man walked in the door from work, i walked out the door to go have me time.  it was THAT rough.  and he knew it, which is why he didn't ask questions.

during me time, i ventured to hobby lobby.  world of putting christmas decorations out before summer.  but i love it.  i love that if you see something you really want, you can come back the very next week and it will be on sale.  seriously.

ok, back on track here ...

i was checking out all of the fall stuff (50% off right now AND orange) and i saw, very randomly displayed, a rack of "world's best mom" ornaments.  it got me thinking and kind of made me sad, especially after the day we had today.

if karsyn saw that (and was old enough to read), would she pick that ornament for me?  would she automatically, without any hesitation, KNOW that, in her mind, i'm the "world's best mom"?  would she?  would she insist that her daddy buy that ornament to put on our tree?  i will probably think about those questions at the end of every day now and wonder if i did my best that day.  if i qualified that day as "world's best mom".  did i laugh enough with her?  did i dance enough?  did i sing enough?  did i smile enough?  did i talk to her with kind words?  did i practice what i preach? 

i was sad b/c after today, i know i was far from "world's best mom".  yes, they ate.  yes, they survived.  yes, their snotty noses got wiped.  but it was rough.  i'm glad it's over, but now i wish i could have done things different.  i certainly want to be the "world's best mom" tomorrow.  we'll see how i do.